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Goth girlfriend miserable in practice

A MAN has discovered his hot sexy Goth mommy girlfriend is actually morose and melancholic and hard work to be around. 

James Bates, aged 22, has always been attracted to vampy baddies but expected that when not cosplaying as a monochromatic succubus, girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris would be happy to chill out and watch Bake-Off.

He continued: “Yeah, it doesn’t turn off. I thought it would be crazy kinky and it is, but sometimes I’d like to have sex somewhere other than in a cellar with Drab Majesty on.

“She’s lovely in that awkward, unsettling way. She smiles wanly at anime, but otherwise shows no emotion. She could easily have ensnared me as a sacrifice for a twisted rite except there’s always drama about Edward Cullen fanfic on the coven Discord.

“Every other text is bat emojis. Every other exhalation is a sigh. She does appear to be suffering from depression, but to savour it. It’s just not really a sexy time.”

“Anyway, Drake is into goths now, and he’s supposedly a paedo. That’s a good reason to end it. I might go for someone flat-chested but insanely cheerful instead.”

Wood-Morris said: “Oh. Is he dumping me. Oh woe. My tarot and obsidian crystals told me this would happen.”

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'We will shakily livestream them on the beaches': Churchill, as understood by Danny Tommo

WINSTON Churchill is an uncomplicated hero to Patriot Platform founder Danny Tommo and his balaclava-wearing followers. These are the five quotes he lives by: 

“We will shakily livestream them on the beaches”

When Churchill stood up in parliament after Dunkirk to assure the nation that the British people would never surrender, what he intended to convey was that men without custody of their children should film themselves wading into the sea to bellow about Muslims.

“Never in the field of human stupidity was so much owed by so many to so few.”

In paying tribute to British airmen, Winston well knew that one day, a nation of 69.5 million would someday owe the same debt of gratitude to a couple hundred of porky blokes with nothing better to do than turn up outside the Daily Mail offices to make unrealistic demands on behalf of Tommo’s mum.

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat, and shoplifted steaks sold cash down the pub.”

During his maiden speech as prime minister, Churchill set out his stall as a man intent on dedicating his life to public service. The same is said of the brave patriots like Tommo, by Tommo, who shun normal employment to protect the nation and thus must earn money by alternative means.

“This was their Violentest Hour.”

The fall of France meant that Britain was Nazi Germany’s next target, and what came next would be remembered as Britain’s finest hour. Inaccurate, because he was unaware that one day a racist Border Control officer would tip Tommo’s team off about a hotel that actually has asylum seekers in it.

“This is the lesson: never give in to logic”

Danny Tommo attended private school, because Britain demands certain standards from its political leaders, so the speech Winston gave at Harrow really hits home. He has sworn he will never relent in the face of facts, court orders, worried texts from mum, or cease and desists from the estate of the late Winston Churchill.

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