'Had her' vs 'What the f**k was I thinking?': Men and women's differing reactions to meeting an ex

MEN and women have wildly varying reactions to accidentally bumping into someone they used to shag. Here are their instinctive first thoughts you’d rather not know about.

‘Had her’

It could be decades ago, but a man’s instinctive reaction to spotting an ex-partner is remembering the sex. You make polite small talk, but he’s actually recalling underwear, blowjobs etc. in great detail. She’s forgotten about the not-so-memorable lovemaking and moved on, a life skill males are yet to master. He’s sure a mediocre shag in a grotty flat in Bristol in 2001 was the high point of her life.

‘What the f**k was I thinking?’ 

My God, she muses, did I really used to go out with this balding, beer-gutted Omega male? Whatever did I see in him, the boring bastard? She’ll never let on of course – women are too considerate for that – but she’ll have a good laugh about you later when she meets her friends for a coffee. Thank the gods of masculinity (Thor, Kratos, Ross Kemp) you’re not invited.

‘I reckon I could still get a shag there’ 

Men are blissfully unaware they’re not 20-year-old young bucks anymore, and just another anonymous, portly, middle-aged office drone. So they’ll be utterly convinced they’re just as attractive to her now as they were when they went out together. Women usually kindly let men keep thinking this, not realised they’re cynically factoring in her weight gain and lack of career success to their chance-of-a-shag calculations.

‘God, his dick was tiny’

She dated you at college when you were both very sexually inexperienced, and didn’t know any better. Unfortunately she’s been exposed to other penises over the last 15 years, owned by proper, life-sized men. That grin on her face isn’t down to badly-hidden carnal excitement at seeing you again. 

‘I bet she misses the brilliant sex’

All men consider themselves carnal leviathans between the sheets. It’s just a shame his mind-blowingly erotic intercourse was time that could have been better spent flicking herself off to Aidan Turner in Poldark. Aidan’s probably shit at it in reality too, but women somehow think it’s ‘weird’ to obsessively point that out about a TV show that finished four years ago.

‘Going out with him made me realise I’m a lesbian’

His sexual ineptitude and inability to fulfil her needs was actually a pretty big favour that confirmed what she’d suspected. She’ll casually mention she now has a female partner, unaware his mind is already way ahead envisaging an erotic threesome.

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Entire elite establishment rallies round to help anti-establishment hero

THE full force of the elite British establishment has come together to support a man who was always its bitterest enemy.

The Tory government has come to the aid of Nigel Farage who it once fought elections against, in a stirring example of how differences can be put aside and the little guy can win sometimes.

Home secretary Suella Braverman said: “The victim of these corrupt banks is a man so unlike we Conservatives that we spent years locked in bitter opposition.

“He is a gadfly, a xenophobe, a man dedicated to toppling the elites of the British establishment. He could not be more different to a Tory. His public school education and banking background are irrelevant.

“But when we saw the grave injustice he had suffered – denied a posh bank account by Coutts and his good name besmirched by the NatWest – we knew we had no choice but to take his side. It’s like Batman and Catwoman vs Bane, except we’re all twats.

“We, and the establishment newspapers who own us like pets, gave this man our full backing even though he is so unlike us as to be an alien. We tirelessly crusaded as though he were one of our own.

“And now, with the sacking of a bank CEO and collateral damage against the BBC, we can stand together knowing that we have done the right thing. Almost as though we weren’t so different after all.”