Happily married man unaware wife has settled for him

A MAN is blissfully oblivious to the fact that his wife married him because he was the least worst option at the time.

Joe Turner, aged 38, has failed to realise that his wife Helen only said yes when he popped the question after every other reasonable alternative had been exhausted.

He said: “It’s a romantic story, really. I’d fancied her since school and she’d constantly refused my advances until, after her long-term boyfriend ditched her when she was 34, she suddenly saw how special I was and we started dating.

“She’s since said that I was ‘just in the right place at the right time’. Which I’ve taken to mean she’s glad I was still persistently badgering her when she magically fell head over heels for me. That’s what she meant. Definitely.”

Helen Turner said: “I’d moved out of my ex-boyfriend’s place and gone home to my parents for a couple of weeks when this dweeb from school came up to me at the pub and asked me out. In my distress and despair at being alone forever I said yes.

“Fast-forward four years and we’re married with a mortgage and a dog. Will I leave him? No. I’m aware that if I had to start dating again now a safe pair of hands like Joe would look like an absolute catch.”

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The pros and pros of not going ice skating

BEEN invited to navigate a pop-up public ice rink on thin metal blades? Here’s why it’s always best to point blank refuse:

PRO: Stay warm and dry in your own footwear

Why would you choose to swap your own comfortable, warm footwear for a pair of smelly communal boots with blades on, which you’re required to struggle into surrounded by a melee of shouting parents and their annoying, overexcited children? An experience as disgusting as it is infuriating.

PRO: Your dignity remains intact

Christmas ice rinks don’t cater for beginners. There’s no private learner section with cushioned barriers where adults can practice walking like newborn giraffes without feeling inadequate. Why abandon your self-respect by subjecting yourself to the torture of inching around the ice gripping onto the sides, when you could just say ‘F**k that’ and find a pub?

PRO: A greatly reduced risk of spending the night in A&E

Propelling an inexperienced, gravitationally erratic human around on a slippery surface is Christmas-in-a-cast waiting to happen. And not just for yourself: anyone within limb-flailing radius is at risk. It could be your partner offering sarcastic encouragement or the toddler headed straight for you pushing a trainer penguin, but somebody’s going to land so hard on their arse they’ll cough up their coccyx.

PRO: You won’t end up decking a skating twat

Proficient ice skaters are members of a cult who believe they are the chosen ones, and tolerate your existence only if you exalt theirs. These pirouetting peacocks laugh and throw withering glares at your lack of skill. Not having to resist the urge to stick a leg out as a teenage ice-prick floats past is a good reason not to participate.

PRO:  Use the money saved to enjoy a hot drink with other non-skaters

Christmas is a time for spreading goodwill and being sociable, so why not treat yourself to a warming hot chocolate and stand with other like-minded people staying dry and happy while watching idiots fall over. Maybe offer friends and family on the ice a cheery wave. You can do this because your wrists aren’t broken. Because you didn’t ice skate.