TAYLOR and I have been platonic collaborators for 12 years, and that’s a lot of wanking. This is how I plan to finally make it out of the friendzone:
Wear her down
I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for a decade, and there’s been a shitload of crying. Jake, Harry, Calvin, Tom, Joe, just arsehole after arsehole. But a few more and I’ll manage that transition to effectively-gay-mate to ‘woah, I never thought of him like that but sudden realisation!’ How? I’ve not worked that out yet.
Make her jealous
Get seen with a hot woman and hot women get interested. So I’ll nudge Tay-Tay into seeing me in a sexual light by faking an amazing relationship with someone else. It needs to be someone who can make her insecure, which limits my options a bit. I’m hanging with Margot Robbie, but I think I might be in her friendzone as well.
Cock-blocking Travis Kelce
This American footballer? He won’t be around too long. Still, I’m maximising the time I spend with them and every time he tries to get her alone I throw up an obstacle, like a cool new bar I just have to visit. When they finally leave me I go home, try not to picture them having sex, and cry. Any longtime friendzone resident knows this works.
Not writing her a song
Lovelorn men are always writing songs, and I’m a professional. The problem is so is she, so when I played her You’re So Sexy, Leotard Girl she ignored the subtext and criticised the melody, bridge, chorus and outro. And said ‘have you considered getting a drummer instead of always banging on your f**king guitar?’
More incredibly tense innocuous activities
Here in the friendzone every activity is charged with sexual tension. You can’t watch First Dates together wondering if this is when you’ll have that first kiss or if nothing will happen yet again. So the obvious solution is to spend more time doing those activities. I’ll see if Taylor fancies a stressful, emotionally exhausting cinema trip. That sounds nice.
Impressing on her that I am a man
Because we’re such great friends Taylor doesn’t appreciate I’m a heterosexual guy with needs and desires. So I’m emphasising my masculinity with remarks like ‘There’s a good documentary about V2s on later’ or ‘Sheffield United could be looking at relegation’. I reckon she’ll crack and shag me before I have to get into homebrewing.