How I'll escape being trapped in Taylor Swift's friendzone, by Ed Sheeran

TAYLOR and I have been platonic collaborators for 12 years, and that’s a lot of wanking. This is how I plan to finally make it out of the friendzone: 

Wear her down

I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for a decade, and there’s been a shitload of crying. Jake, Harry, Calvin, Tom, Joe, just arsehole after arsehole. But a few more and I’ll manage that transition to effectively-gay-mate to ‘woah, I never thought of him like that but sudden realisation!’ How? I’ve not worked that out yet.

Make her jealous

Get seen with a hot woman and hot women get interested. So I’ll nudge Tay-Tay into seeing me in a sexual light by faking an amazing relationship with someone else. It needs to be someone who can make her insecure, which limits my options a bit. I’m hanging with Margot Robbie, but I think I might be in her friendzone as well.

Cock-blocking Travis Kelce

This American footballer? He won’t be around too long. Still, I’m maximising the time I spend with them and every time he tries to get her alone I throw up an obstacle, like a cool new bar I just have to visit. When they finally leave me I go home, try not to picture them having sex, and cry. Any longtime friendzone resident knows this works.

Not writing her a song

Lovelorn men are always writing songs, and I’m a professional. The problem is so is she, so when I played her You’re So Sexy, Leotard Girl she ignored the subtext and criticised the melody, bridge, chorus and outro. And said ‘have you considered getting a drummer instead of always banging on your f**king guitar?’

More incredibly tense innocuous activities

Here in the friendzone every activity is charged with sexual tension. You can’t watch First Dates together wondering if this is when you’ll have that first kiss or if nothing will happen yet again. So the obvious solution is to spend more time doing those activities. I’ll see if Taylor fancies a stressful, emotionally exhausting cinema trip. That sounds nice.

Impressing on her that I am a man

Because we’re such great friends Taylor doesn’t appreciate I’m a heterosexual guy with needs and desires. So I’m emphasising my masculinity with remarks like ‘There’s a good documentary about V2s on later’ or ‘Sheffield United could be looking at relegation’. I reckon she’ll crack and shag me before I have to get into homebrewing.

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All sunset photos the same

EVERY photograph of a sunset, whether taken by a professional photographer in the Maldives or on an iPhone 6S in Llandudno, looks exactly the same. 

Despite each sunset being technically unique and theoretically beautiful, experts have confirmed that they all look identically boring.

Photographer Helen Archer said: “Have you ever really looked at a sunset? I mean really, really looked? No, you haven’t. Because they’re dull as shit.

“Well done, Instagram dickhead, you’ve managed to point your phone in the general direction of the sky and produce a picture of a natural phenomenon seen by everyone every single day, if they can be arsed. Usually they prefer Pointless. 

“Then you convince yourself it’s so good it must be sent to the local paper to be published alongside the other sunset pictures, especially if you’ve got something recognisable silhouetted. How special and unique, nobody’s ever done that before.

“All photos online may as well be one photo. All it does is tell us you’re a deluded idiot who’s ‘considering doing a course’ because you took a photo of something which looks good and it looks good. Stop wasting our f**king time.”

Amateur photographer Oliver O’Connor said: “Look at this shot. It’s so moody. I’ll post it online in with the caption ‘Sunset over Stourbridge, open bracket why Sophie why, why did you go?’”

“Close bracket.”