How to be in love with someone but never, ever let them know

DEEPLY and profoundly in love with someone? Terrified they’ll find out and reject you?  Here are five fool-proof methods of keeping your crush hidden: 

Spend loads of time with them

Back when you were a teenager you never spent time with your crushes. You mooned over them in the privacy of your own bedroom or lunchtime chess club. Therefore, spending as much time as possible with your secret beau, at their beck and call day and night, means they’ll never suspect you’re interested.

Disapprove whenever they go on a date

Their search for love wouldn’t bother you if you weren’t deeply devoted to them. But on the other hand, affecting disinterest will make it obvious you’re hiding something. So walk the middle road by taking exception to every possible partner from the off, but pretend it’s a joke.

Like all their social media posts

Supportive friends support one another – and how better to do that than by liking their profile picture 16 seconds after they update it? Waiting a few minutes would make it seem like you were intentionally waiting so they didn’t suspect anything. Not falling into that trap.

Describe your type as someone matching their exact description

While having yet another casual conversation about soulmates and not necessarily recognising you’ve met The One straight away, don’t be evasive. They’ll see right through your description borrowed from Love Island (petite, blonde, big arse), so instead say your ideal type is exactly like them except for one detail like ‘not allergic to nuts’.

Date someone else

The perfect way to show that you’ve got nothing to hide is by going out with someone else. Even if the relationship is miserable, it proves that you definitely, definitely wouldn’t rather be with them because you’re with this awful person instead. Great.

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Knobheads poised to call 'light set of measures' a draconian affront to liberty

UNBEARABLE arseholes are ready to slam light pandemic restrictions as an unjustified authoritarian attack on freedom.

The proposed bare-minimum measures, which will save lives for free and will not be legally enforced, are already being described by hate-fuelled zealots in deranged WhatsApp groups as ‘how Hitler got started.’

Raving nutjob Mary Fisher said: “You’re telling me I might have to open windows and think about wearing a face mask again? Talk about a boot stamping on a human face forever.

“Protecting children and the most vulnerable with a miracle cure was the first step on the road to an oppressive New World Order. This is the second. Or, wait, the previous lockdowns were the first so this is the third. But then there were two lockdowns.

“Anyway, Britain’s a Communist dictatorship and my family don’t talk to me anymore.”

Laurence Fox retweeter Roy Hobbs said: “If I want to put unsustainable pressure on the NHS by flouting the faintest whiff of advice I should be free to do so. That’s what living free looks like.

“And when it doesn’t work, which it won’t because millions of us are flouting the rules, even harsher restrictions will kick in and I won’t consider myself responsible or consider the irony of my actions even for a second.”