Why I never take my earbuds out, by a twat

ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why. 

What? How dare you judge me when you have no idea what’s going on in my head? It could be anything from 90s Britpop to classic Desert Island Discs to the sound of my own sweaty breath.

It’s not your concern if I’m ‘missing out on the natural sounds around me’. I’m so used to not fully interacting with the world that a true crime story told in painstaking, gruesome minutiae is as natural to me as birdsong.

Having the full use of five senses is overrated. I’ve got maybe 40 per cent of my hearing so I get the gist of what an office manager, Sainsbury’s cashier or girlfriend is saying without getting hung up on details.

I can still tell when someone’s shooting me a disapproving look because I’m listening to an Ibiza dance mix while they’re talking, so don’t say I’m not able to engage with the world. I just don’t care.

People call me rude, but I’m too distracted concentrating on the Michelle Obama audiobook to remember that there’s anyone else inhabiting the planet alongside me.

So yeah, I’m the earbuds dick and I’m not sorry. Want to whine about it? Go ahead. I’m wearing earbuds.

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Motorist way angrier about Extinction Rebellion closing roads than floods closing roads

A MAN extremely irate about climate protesters blocking roads just shrugs when flash floods do it instead.

Nathan Muir lives in Yorkshire where floods are now a regular occurrence, but nonetheless focuses his outrage on dirty hippy protesters in London who do not have the first clue about how the world works. 

He said: “A flood is an act of nature. A trust-fund crusty in a tie-dye poncho playing with a diablo in the middle of Tower Bridge is not.

“What do you mean, the floods are man-made? I saw three inches of rain in 20 minutes falling out of the sky myself. That’s an act of God. 

“There’s nothing you can do about that and no point trying. Unlike these scruffy herberts who should be locked up and forced to learn about what matters, like the economy and being late for work.” 

Girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “Nathan goes on long, furious rants about Extinction Rebellion blocking ambulances. However if flash flooding stops on he’s delighted he can work from home. 

“He doesn’t give a shit about ambulances. He just thinks XR are annoying. Which they are.”