How to drag out an awful relationship to the bitter end

ARE you in a shitshow of a relationship and keen to prolong the misery? Here are five tips on keeping the disappointment alive:

Give up on romance

Every unhappily-ever-after begins with a lowering of standards, particularly when it comes to time-consuming extras like romance. Declare Valentine’s Day a waste of money, give practical presents like an ironing board for birthdays, and piss with the door open. Behold, romance is dead.

Turn your back on hope

Assuming you won’t find anything better is crucial if you want to invest in a future of disappointment with the person you don’t love. Fully commit to the belief that nobody else will want you, and then spend your life mired in bitterness and resentment because your partner pays their Playstation more attention than you.

Distract yourself

Rather than putting some effort into trying to fix your broken relationship, direct your thoughts elsewhere. A hobby, a pet, a fungal infection – anything that needs regular attention is a great way to keep your mind off how little you feel for your partner and stop you having the time or energy to do anything about it.

Cheat

If a hobby isn’t enough to fill the void in your relationship, distract yourself from the lack of love or physical intimacy by cheating. This will also help you not notice that your partner is cheating too. If you’re both happily being unfaithful you’ll be able to keep your loveless union alive for years longer than you should.

Turn a blind eye

No matter what shit your partner throws at you, pretend it never happened. With denial on your side, your crappy relationship will last beyond the limits of the patience of your friends and family, and stop you having to go through the faff of moving house.

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Oat milk f**ks up tea and anyone who says otherwise is lying

PUTTING oat milk in tea ruins it and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is a lying bastard, it has been confirmed.

Despite the growing popularity of milk alternatives, there is nothing apart from dairy milk that won’t turn a lovely cup of tea into a curdled, vile-tasting mess.

Tea drinker Lucy Parry said: “I get that oat milk is better for the planet, but it completely destroys a nice cuppa. You have to pour in half the carton to get it to even approximately the correct shade of brown and then it’s full of nasty bits floating around.

“Same goes for soya, rice, almond, cashew, hemp and all the other ones. And don’t even get me started on coconut. In tea? Are you having a f**king laugh?

“I’ll happily have any alternative milk you like on cereal or in a cup of coffee. It even tastes quite nice. But mix it with tea and you’ve got a concoction that looks and tastes like Satan’s diarrhoea.

“So if you see a smug article in a weekend supplement about some twat who claims not to be able to taste the difference, they’re lying to you and themselves, the stupid hippy bellends.”

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