How to get 100 per cent in Tinder: tips and tricks from an expert

TINDER, a romance simulator for adults, is the most popular mobile game of the 21st century. But how do you get to that elusive 100 per cent? Top player Ryan Whittaker explains:

Master your moves

You can beat most of the opponents in Tinder with these simple moves once you’ve mastered them; a guileless opening, a faux-casual photo of you petting a dog, and a jokey reference to your six-figure income. Don’t bother being imaginative. Just spam those.

Be patient

Learn the patterns and swot up on the dodges before you go charging in. It’s not about getting behind their defences straight away, it’s about steadily wearing down their resistance until they leave themselves open. I can’t tell you how many women have dated me because ‘still being there’ after 18 months ‘proves I care’.

Don’t ignore the side quests

An accidental swipe right might seem like another tedious mission where you gather flowers, go out for dinner, and receive your reward in the bedroom level, but doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. You’ll pick up valuable experience, and often it’s in the same location you’re already visiting for the main story shag.

Play to your strengths

Develop a playstyle that works to your natural advantages. For example, don’t max out your fashion meter with style points if you’re bald. Or, if you’re naturally funny, put off that first date until they’re so into you that it reflects badly on them when you’re repulsive. Don’t bother getting good at sex, you’ve already won by then.

Enjoy yourself

Remember, it’s not about leaving Tinder with a functioning relationship. Only noobs believe that. It’s about keeping as many women going as possible, receiving photos, going on dates and ultimately boosting your ego with romantic attention while never actually committing. If they don’t realise that it’s not your problem.

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Tax-rise supporting Tories against benefit cuts and what the f**k

CONSERVATIVE backbenchers who backed tax rises for social care are against cutting Universal Credit by £20 and what the f**k? 

Tories – Tories! – are concerned that reducing the benefit to pre-pandemic levels will make millions destitute and spark a backlash, causing widespread bafflement across the UK.

Joe Turner of Nantwich said: “Apparently it will cause homelessness, poverty and cause kids to go hungry. Like obviously. But what blows my tiny mind is that the Tories give a shit.

“You’d think they’d be cheering it on, like they did when Thatcher made entire cities destitute or Cameron announced permanent austerity. So what the buggery f**k’s happened to them?

“Just because loads of them are Northern now shouldn’t mean they’ve stopped being cold-hearted bastards. But instead they’re bleating about how ordinary people will suffer as if that wasn’t their entire reason for being in government.”

Susan Traherne, member for Congleton, said: “The calculation is that the nation’s hateful bigoted bastards will vote for us even if we help people because, post-Farage, they’ve nowhere else to go.

“But I won’t lie, it’s a f**king risk. I’d be much more comfortable letting the poor starve.”