How to get through a date with someone who voted the other way in the referendum

YOU matched on Tinder but now you’ve brought up politics, and that was a fatal mistake. But how to get through the evening without fist-fighting in Café Rouge?

Avoid the subject

Most dates are about avoiding the subject of sex. Now you’ve got to avoid sex and Brexit. Because the latter is now the diabolical kaleidoscope through which we now view everything, it will be tricky to stop yourselves. Stick obsessively to an obscure subject it can’t attach itself to, like whether woodpeckers get headaches.

Engage in passive-aggressive bitching

Lines like ‘Shall we remain here or head off blindly into the darkness, hoping for the best?’ or ‘Are you happy to accept my decision on the wine, or will you spend the rest of the meal trying to overturn it?’ are so petty and irritating it’ll be like you’re married.

Get a friend to call with an ‘emergency’

The classic tactic for getting out of a bad date, except this time it’s not a fake emergency to escape from a socially inept weirdo but a real emergency because you’re on a date with a terrorist who has basically taken our nation hostage and threatened to murder it.

Get blind drunk

After a few drinks it won’t matter which of you worships at Farage’s feet and which hails each new Gina Miller legal case as the second coming. A few more after that and you might not even remember which side you’re on. Perhaps the baby you conceive this unfortunate night will be able to untangle the whole Brexit knot, in about 20 years.

Attempt to see the other person’s point of view

Why not? Your evening’s ruined anyway. It could be like Romeo and Juliet, or West Side Story. As in tragic and somebody will die.

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The idiot's guide to reacting to Star Wars trailers

WHEN a new Star Wars trailer comes out your first duty is to rush to the internet and shout incoherently about it. Try these strategies: 

Invent a half-witted fan theory

Devise and share a nonsensical theory that’s a massive waste of time for everyone who reads it, eg. Rey is the daughter of Leia and Chewbacca, who abandoned her on Jakku rather than tell Han about their affair. She waxes all over daily to avoid revealing her half-Wookie heritage.

Rant about ‘social justice warriors’

Be hysterical about the films being hijacked by ‘social justice warriors’, sounding as if you’re about to become the next Unabomber because a sci-fi fantasy acknowledges it is no longer the 1970s. Do use the sane and tasteful phrase ‘Disney raped my childhood’.

Demand everyone be queer

Alternatively, be an identity politics tool by insisting that Poe Dameron is a gay icon and must have an explicit sex scene, even though it’s no more germane to the story than the unaddressed issue of whether that volcano planet burnt Darth Vader’s winkle off.

Be hoodwinked by the studio

Take the trailer at face value. If there’s a shot of Rey looking evil, it’s not a vision or out of context, they have made your favourite character EVIL! Vast entertainment corporations like Disney are unaware of the concept of ‘generating publicity’ and trailers never misrepresent the film they’re advertising.

Abuse people online

If anyone slightly disagrees with your exact opinions on Star Wars, for example your plans for a BB-8 and R2-D2 buddy comedy, go nuclear. Let the abuse flow through you and claim to have done unusual sexual things to their mother. This is entirely appropriate in the context of a family-oriented space adventure.