Sunday, 1st November 2020

How to look sad and desperate by shagging someone much younger

AS actor Dominic West has proved, having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than you has its risks. Follow these tips to come out of it with no dignity whatsoever:

Make sure there’s no chance of it working

The age gap should be at least 20 years, but ideally more than 30 so there is no realistic chance of it being any more than a shameful fling. Everyone’s first thought should be ‘By the time she’s 40 his cock will look like a deflated party balloon.’

Have a large disparity in wealth/status

At least Dominic West was banging another successful actor. Really you want to go down the Rod Liddle, Paul Hollywood or Duncan Bannatyne road of banging a magazine assistant, PA or make-up artist. For maximum creepiness be their actual boss.

Do embarrassing public displays of affection

Be as physical as possible, for example mauling your young squeeze like a bear, or kissing with tongues outside a Starbucks. If people are instinctively crossing roads to put two lanes of heavy traffic between you and them, you’re on the right track.

End up in the tabloids

Only works if you’re famous, otherwise you’ll need a 60-year gap to get on the cover of That’s Life! The photos of your middle-aged gut and leathery tortoise neck will overshadow your next five acting roles.

Have daughters the same age

There’s nothing more humiliating for your family than your daughters being only a couple of years younger than this new bird. They’ll look at you over the Christmas turkey with fathomless disdain. And they’ll want to apologise to her.

Go crawling back to your partner

Claim that your marriage is stronger than ever, when everyone knows that divorce proceedings will begin in two months once your wife’s consulted with a team of slavering, vicious lawyers determined to force you into bankruptcy or playing the baddie in Jason Statham movies.