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How to overreact to your friend getting engaged to show you're not bitter

HAS a friend got engaged while you’re still being left on ‘read’ on Bumble? Express how happy you definitely are for them with this guide.

Scream

When your friend smugly shows you her engagement ring, react as though you’ve never seen jewellery before. The sight of a diamond-encrusted band should make you sound hysterical, even if it was clearly purchased from Argos. Struggling to give a convincing performance? Channelling all of your 3am fears of dying alone will make you shriek.

Post an Instagram comment

Not leaving a comment underneath the black-and-white engagement photoshoot posted by the bride-to-be would be a sign of envy. Instead, you need to write an exhaustingly sincere message about how you can’t imagine two people better suited for each other, while conveniently omitting what the groom did on the lad’s holiday last year. Save that for when you’re drunk at the reception.

Send a gift

You can’t afford anything on the wedding list given your sole income, high rent, and dates with men who won’t pay for your drinks. And once you’ve factored in the looming hen party and bridesmaid dress costs, you’ll only be left with enough pennies to go towards a small congratulatory bouquet. It would be rude not to send a bunch of hydrangeas though, and you weren’t to know your friend is allergic to them.

Offer to help

Your body may feel like you’re admitting defeat, but it’s wrong. Offering to help organise the big day not only camouflages your burning resentment, it also allows you to bring the wedding down from the inside. Even the most compatible of couples would struggle to weather an invite font that doesn’t match the overall theme, and that’s exactly the sort of hell you’d be in position to unleash.

Ask if you can bring a plus-one

There will be a table at the wedding for single ladies, and unless you move swiftly you will be relegated to it along with all of the other women your friend has clearly deemed as unloveable hags. Hard-launching your plus-one in response to the engagement will save you from this terrible fate, and has the added bonus of stealing attention. If the bride accuses you of raining on her parade though, just say you wanted to share the gift of their love as widely as possible. They lap up that bullshit.

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Theatre best sleep man has had in years

A MAN has enjoyed his deepest and most refreshing sleep in recent memory while attending the theatre, it has emerged.

Despite initially dreading the touring production of Hamlet that his wife Laura insisted they go and watch, Martin Bishop was impressed by the restorative slumber that the highbrow cultural experience sent him into.

He said: “They should really mention Shakespeare’s sleep-inducing powers in the ads. Every night would be a sell out with insomniacs.

“By the end of the first act the rhythm of the dialogue had me yawning out loud. Hamlet’s indecisiveness did for the rest and I was conked out well before the interval. I’m guessing there was no climactic explosion or a car chase because that would’ve woken me up.

“My only criticism is that the chairs weren’t really built for having a kip. I reckon I could have entered REM sleep before the ghost of Hamlet’s father appeared if the theatre provided us with chaise longues. Other than that I give it five stars.

“We’ve already booked to see Henry IV for our next date night. It’s three hours long, tells the dreary story of a succession, and leads into an equally somniferous sequel. I can’t f**king wait.”

Wife Laura said: “I owed Martin. I felt like I slept for a thousand years when he took me to see The Fantastic Four.”

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