How to pretend you can still be friends when you've split up

EVER since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ‘consciously uncoupled’ everyone is trying to be all mature about romantic break-ups. So you’re going to need to fake maturity too. Here’s how.

Like and comment on every single Facebook post by your ex-lover

Nothing shows how well you’re adjusting to being ‘just friends’ than a public display of friendship and support, all day every day. On every post made by your ex-lover be sure to add a thumbs-up, or a smiley face. Don’t be afraid to leave friendly comments like ‘I MISS YOU’ under every photo. 

Talk about how great your former lover was in bed. Do this in supermarket checkout lines

Have you noticed how mature everyone is about sex these days? Everyone’s talking about iceberging, rim jobs and fellatio with as much ease as ordering pizza. You should exhibit similar maturity by speaking of your ex-lover’s sexual prowess with anyone who will listen at the supermarket. 

Carefully select your seat

This one cannot be emphasised enough: always, always, always seek out the closest seat to your ex-lover in the pub, and make sure to have a clear view of them at all times. You’ll be able to laugh at everything they say. You’ll look even more thoughtful if you shout out stuff like ‘Tell them about the time we argued on the beach in Ibiza – and I couldn’t swim because I was crying so much!’

Definitely don’t let them change your shared Netflix sign-in

It’s true that you don’t eat or sleep together any more. Never again will you share holidays or weekends, but you’re going to want to keep some things in common. Show how well-adjusted you are by insisting on keeping your Netflix profile on their account. How else will you be able to discuss Bridgerton when you accidentally bump into each other in the supermarket, the pub, the bus stop, the swimming pool, the entrance to her work, or her new partner’s house?

Walk past their house every night at bedtime

Friends are ALWAYS there for each other. There’s even a song about it. Nothing will be more appreciated than if you check in on your former lover every night.

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Learning Latin and other life skills you simply cannot get by without

THIS week the government announced plans to start Latin lessons in 40 state schools. But what other vital life skills does every Brit need?

Basic seamanship 

You might not expect a life on the open waves. But it never hurts to know the basics. Imagine being on a billionaire donor’s super-yacht, them falling overboard in suspicious circumstances, and you not knowing if it was the port or starboard. Plus if you ever get tied up by a dominatrix you can recognise if she used a bowline, reef knot or clove hitch.

Fine dining 

To get on in life you need to know how to handle a fancy dinner. For example, ordering a £1,000 bottle of red wine in the most obnoxious way possible or knowing which fork you should use to angrily throw at the waiter when your meal doesn’t arrive instantly.

Horse riding 

A skill it’s critical to learn. How else will you be able to lead a hunt on brisk December morning and see a fox or five torn to shreds? For bonus life skill points learn how to play the bugle too. Apparently people also go horseback riding for leisure without killing any wildlife. Weirdos.

Learning Latin

Latin is a vital second language which opens up a whole range of career options like being the Pope. Plus Brexit has made learning Spanish, German or French a bit of a waste of time. And what are you going to learn instead? Mandarin? What are you, a Chinese spy?

Sword fighting 

Old fashioned, sure. But if you’re in a pub and someone knocks over your wife’s pint, instead of letting them amicably buy her another, you can slap the perpetrator with your glove, demand ‘satisfaction’ and then meet them outside. The next step is running them through with your broadsword in front of Costa Coffee.