EVER since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ‘consciously uncoupled’ everyone is trying to be all mature about romantic break-ups. So you’re going to need to fake maturity too. Here’s how.
Like and comment on every single Facebook post by your ex-lover
Nothing shows how well you’re adjusting to being ‘just friends’ than a public display of friendship and support, all day every day. On every post made by your ex-lover be sure to add a thumbs-up, or a smiley face. Don’t be afraid to leave friendly comments like ‘I MISS YOU’ under every photo.
Talk about how great your former lover was in bed. Do this in supermarket checkout lines
Have you noticed how mature everyone is about sex these days? Everyone’s talking about iceberging, rim jobs and fellatio with as much ease as ordering pizza. You should exhibit similar maturity by speaking of your ex-lover’s sexual prowess with anyone who will listen at the supermarket.
Carefully select your seat
This one cannot be emphasised enough: always, always, always seek out the closest seat to your ex-lover in the pub, and make sure to have a clear view of them at all times. You’ll be able to laugh at everything they say. You’ll look even more thoughtful if you shout out stuff like ‘Tell them about the time we argued on the beach in Ibiza – and I couldn’t swim because I was crying so much!’
Definitely don’t let them change your shared Netflix sign-in
It’s true that you don’t eat or sleep together any more. Never again will you share holidays or weekends, but you’re going to want to keep some things in common. Show how well-adjusted you are by insisting on keeping your Netflix profile on their account. How else will you be able to discuss Bridgerton when you accidentally bump into each other in the supermarket, the pub, the bus stop, the swimming pool, the entrance to her work, or her new partner’s house?
Walk past their house every night at bedtime
Friends are ALWAYS there for each other. There’s even a song about it. Nothing will be more appreciated than if you check in on your former lover every night.