SOMETIMES you’ll look across at a colleague in work and see the dogshit lunch they’re having and you’ll be filled with pity. Here’s their awful food.
Until ice becomes an acceptable sandwich filling, slices of cucumber are the closest you can get to having water in a sandwich. Aside from how profoundly dull they are, they absolutely do not travel, or keep, well. Seeing someone peel clingfilm off a pulped mass of soggy bread and cucumber at 1pm is one of life’s great tragic sights.
Cup A Soup
Why not bring the vibe of wartime rationing to your lunch-hour with Cup A Soup? Make your colleagues sick with envy that they aren’t also tucking into some tepid chicken-flavoured water in a mug.
Most offices will have one health-obsessed employee whose meals are centred entirely around the concept of protein consumption. Usually a sad-eyed but profoundly muscle-bound 30-year-old in a too-tight shirt, they will chug litres of protein shakes daily – except for their cheat day – where they will consume five plain boiled chicken breasts.
There is absolutely no excuse for cooking a burger in a microwave. And yet some people will gladly slide one of these monstrosities into the kitchenette’s one microwave each day, making the whole office reek of bad beef.
Your lunch hour is supposed to be a time of relief. A brief reprieve from the tedium of work. Well imagine the dread you’d feel in the pit of your stomach as you saw lunchtime approaching knowing that all you had rattling around in your sad little lunch box in the communal fridge was a pair of pre-peeled hard-boiled eggs.