How to treat a job interview like a first date and vice versa

INTERVIEWS are much like dates: you put a shitload of work and afterwards they refuse to answer messages. Use these tactics for both: 

Arrive early-ish

Getting there late gives a bad impression, but arriving two hours beforehand proves you’re desperate. Breeze in ten minutes early like you just swung by between two far cooler engagements and they’re lucky to have your time.

Laugh hysterically at their jokes

This is the funniest, most interesting conversation you have ever had. You are connecting on so many levels, the fun will never stop, even when you have to see each other every morning for the next ten years. Warning: certain things, like pay offers or expectations of sex acts, may be hilarious but not be a joke.

Put way too much effort into your appearance

You want to dress to impress and be groomed to the gods. In either the job or the relationship you’ll never try this hard or look this good again, but for an hour you can feign that you’re always this presentable.

Watch out for red flags

If they’re calling all their ex-partners or former employees crazy, get the f**k out of there. Also any suggestion you be available every evening and weekend to instantly respond to their texts.

Pretend you’re experienced…ish

You need to be super-skilled from extensive experience, but you’ve not been hopping between previous positions every couple of weeks. Bonus points if you’ve operated internationally.

Invent a whole new personality

Shove your hatred for spontaneity and love of lying around doing bugger all right down. You’re up for anything and supremely adaptable. They can find out all that’s a lie when you’ve locked them down and they’re stuck with you.

Pretend to be unconcerned about money

Material things don’t interest you. You’re focused on being happy and fulfilled. Questions about annual income are just for completeness.

Don’t shag them right away

Leave them wanting more. Make sure the contract’s signed before coming across. There will be plenty of time for all involved parties to regret it later.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Alien vs Predator versus Sunak vs Truss: can you spot the quotes?

THE battle between Sunak and Truss is frequently compared to 2004 movie Alien vs Predator, and is just as shit. 

Test your knowledge of total bollocks by guessing whether the following quotes are from former chancellor Sunak, future prime minister Truss or a piece of action bullshit that made everyone watching it measurably less intelligent. It won’t be easy:

1 ‘I don’t like pizza, I love it. I am prepared to do literally anything to get my hands on a slice.’

2 ‘It’s common in ritual sacrifice to take the heart of the victim.’

3 ‘We rise to challenges, we will meet them, we’re well prepared for them, we’ll get through them and we’ll emerge on the other side stronger.’

4 ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend.’

5 ‘When I lead my team, I don’t leave my team.’

6 ‘There can be no lasting prosperity for our people if we do not protect our planet.’

7 ‘We import two-thirds of our cheese. That is a disgrace.’

8 ‘If I do feel scared, I deliberately challenge myself not to feel scared.’

9 ‘We do not have the luxury of quitting.’

10 ‘We’re in the middle of a war – it’s time to pick a side.’

11 ‘I’m not going to stick to the failed plans of the past, I’m going to do something radically different.’

12 ‘I hate rodents.’

13 ‘I think this is a manhood ritual.’

14 ‘I like to get my own way, let’s put it like that.’

15 ‘I went to China and they told me there was only one type of potato available there.’

16 ‘You want a piece of me, you ugly son of a bitch?’

ANSWERS

If you thought the clinically deranged quotes at 1, 7, 8, 12, 12, 14 and 15 were Liz Truss, you’re correct.

If you thought the pompous first-victim-of-the-alien quotes at 3, 6 and 11 were Sunak, you’re right.

If you were able to discern tough-talking Tory rhetoric from action movie dialogue and spotted 2, 4, 5, 9, 10, 13 and 16 from Alien vs Predator, well done.

If you think the interchangability of the above means we’re all f**ked, you are also correct.