Killing of al-Qaeda leader would have been better if Lionesses did it

THE drone strike of al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri would have been more impressive if the Lionesses did it, Britain has agreed. 

The assassination of a 9/11 plotter by the England women’s national football team would have inspired a whole generation of girls to believe that they could grow up to surgically strike terrorists even better than men.

Mother of three daughters Nikki Hollis said: “For too long using a drone to take out high-ranking Islamic jihadis has been a boy’s club. If Beth Mead or Jill Scott had been at the controls Bin Laden’s deputy would be still dead and it would be a great day for women.

“You saw how the Lionesses put them past Merle Frohms on Sunday. Compared to that, launching some missiles at a guy on a balcony? Easy. So why not give them the chance?

“Let Alessia Russo show you how it’s done, CIA, by making the drone do a cheeky barrel roll. Let Chloe Kelly turn it into a feminist moment by whipping her shirt off after the blast. Stand aside. It’s Her Turn.

“Imagine the jubilation in Trafalgar Square if Wiegman’s girls were hoisting the smouldering remains of al-Zawahiri aloft, dancing to Sweet Caroline.

“Sadly, due to the patriarchy, that day is a long way off.”

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We are taking all of your things, by BP

YOUR holiday? We’re having that. Your new kitchen? That’s ours now. Your second car? Give it the f**k here. We are BP, and we’ve having all your shit. 

Sorry not sorry. You don’t make profits of $8.45 billion by being a nice guy, and that’s what we’ve reported this year. And those profits are until June. Imagine how much we’ll make this winter.

It’s your fault. You pissed us off with that whole pandemic deal, where you all stayed indoors and stopped driving and flying and consuming. That hit our profits hard and it was purely selfish.

Didn’t think about us, did you? Didn’t think about the poor petroleum multinationals still paying to pump oil, footing the bill for your survival. Well guess what, bitches. The shoe be on the other motherf**king foot.

It’s our turn to think about our survival, and that means sky-high prices and tough tits to the consumer. The next few years we are bleeding your arses dry.

We’ve got no choice. We’ve got to act before you all start working from home and installing solar panels and all that shizzle. This could be our last chance to make out like bandits and we are taking it.

So say goodbye to your videogames and streaming services and Air Jordans and Lego sets. Enjoy your last can of Brewdog and the last bite of your M&S King Prawn Bhuna. We’re taking it all.

You’ll sell your vinyl collection to pay a gas bill. You’ll sell your mother’s jewellery for petrol. The electric bill will take every last luxury you have until you’re huddled, freezing, on bare floorboards eating cold Aldi beans from a can.

Then we’ll announce profits of $24.85 billion. Then you’ll understand who’s in charge.