Husband on date night thinks he could be in here

A MAN on a date night with his wife reckons that with the amount she is flirting and drinking his luck may well be in.

Nathan Muir initially attended the restaurant date night with wife Helen out of a sense of marital obligation, but he increasingly believes the evening will end with him getting some.

He said: “She touched my arm and gazed into my eyes while I was telling her a frankly boring anecdote about my mate Dave’s car stalling at a roundabout. This chick is hot to trot.

“I need to pace myself, make sure I’m still sober enough to perform, and look like I have no expectations. If I act like she’s a sure thing, that’ll slam the doors tight shut.

“I’ve also got to keep the keep the tone light but sexy, ask open questions, and let her think it’s her decision. But I don’t mind saying I’m pretty excited. It’s been months. I hope she lets us do it with the lights on.

“So glad I made the effort by shaving and getting her to iron me a shirt.”

Heather Muir added: “I’m only doing this because I’m lonely and horny. God I’ll regret shagging my husband in the morning.”

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Five shite items from your wardrobe a Gen Z teen would buy as 'vintage'

TEENS will wear any old shit if you say it’s vintage. Here are five items of clothing you can flog to the idiot young:

A ragged stag-do T-shirt

Personalised T-shirts from your mate Ian’s stag do are limited edition and hideous, meaning they fetch a premium on the vintage market. The faded picture of a Fred Flintstone getting shitfaced means you can charge extra for its ironic appeal. Getting rid of it will also help Ian move on from the divorce.

A hideous, shapeless jumper

Who cares if your gran knitted it for you; you were mercilessly bullied for wearing this oversized woollen atrocity, and rightly so. Knowing Gen Z though it’ll be picked up by an influencer and become this autumn’s must-have garment. You’ll buy a replica for hundreds of pounds and it will still look shit on you.

A bridesmaid dress

Zoomers will say this mid-00s aquamarine and chiffon disaster looks so retro, which can’t be right because you picked it up fairly recently and haven’t got the wear out of it yet. After working out that you only wore it once 15 years ago, you’ll feel old as f**k and need to lie down in a darkened room like the crone you are.

Your bad jeans

So ill-fitting that they dig into your stomach while simultaneously flashing your arse crack, but you were too scared to return them and you’ve hung onto them for decades. For your final punishment, they will look oversized on whichever fetus gives you a tenner on Depop for them.

Anything with a brand on it

It doesn’t matter if it’s a knock-off Adidas top from a TK Maxx clearance bin, Gen Z teens will be fooled into thinking it’s a timeless classic for no other reason than the logo. Just like you were when you excitedly hurried to the counter with it before finding out it’s yet another brand that’s been turned to shit by Mike Ashley.