Husband's social life entirely outsourced to wife

A MAN has handed over complete control of his social life to his wife, she has complained. 

Tom Booker got married five years ago and since then has let any friendships that his wife does not actively maintain for him wither and die, seemingly without regret.

Wife Kerry Booker said: “He used to see his uni friends, his football friends, his work friends, all of them. But now he just comes home from the office every night and sits there. Every night.

“I say things like, ‘How’s Joe these days?’ and he’ll say, ‘I’ve got no idea. I think maybe he got divorced?’

“Last month he went for a drink with Jack, but only because me and Jack’s wife organised it and forced them out of the house with emotional blackmail like ‘He was your best man’ and ‘He’s lost his job, maybe you should see if he’s okay?’

“Even then he was home by half-ten. I don’t care about him avoiding social isolation as he gets older. I just want a night to myself so I can watch a crap box set on Netflix.”

Tom said: “I didn’t think you still had to bother with your mates after marriage. What’s the point of getting married then?”

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Man refuses to suspend disbelief for The Greatest Showman

A FATHER-OF-TWO has been accused of wilfully refusing to suspend disbelief while watching films with his family. 

Will McKay, aged 39, made no attempt to lose himself in the magic of cinema when watching The Greatest Showman, instead choosing to poke holes and nit-pick.

Wife Sophie said: “It’s become a real f**king pain. We’re all there with blankets and popcorn and stuff, and then in wanders Will and says, ‘What’s this rubbish?’

“Then instead of getting immersed in the enchanting, uplifting fantasy, five minutes later he’s saying, ‘There’s no way they would have given him funding for that circus. And how can that singer do a nationwide tour with only one song?’

“Objectively, I know it’s sh*t. That bit at the end when he rides an elephant to a concert hall and then just what, parks it outside in the snow? But I don’t care. I want my inspiring musical and my love story.”

Will said, “I hold children’s films to the same directorial standards as those of, say, Martin Scorcese or Wes Anderson. Mistakes can’t be forgiven.

“Sophie’s assertion that The Terminator is equally ridiculous because he could have been sent back in time with Scotch egg guns is beneath my contempt. And whatever she says, I didn’t go upstairs and cry.”