subscribe
/ Sign Out

'I am listening,' woman who zoned out 45 minutes ago tells boyfriend

A WOMAN who fully checked out of a conversation with her boyfriend has assured him she was in fact listening the whole time.

Eleanor Shaw, 32, was conscious of what Joe Turner was saying for a full 14 seconds before her brain decided to ignore his ramblings and think about other things.

Turner said: “I wanted to get this incredibly petty work thing off my chest but, as I blathered relentlessly on, her eyes glazed over and I started to wonder if she was paying attention, so I asked.

“Not only did she insist she’d heard every word, but she called me a ‘hurtful bastard’ for daring to suggest otherwise. What an idiot I am for thinking the love of my life would ever ignore me.”

Shaw said: “Of course I wasn’t f**king listening. There are only so many hours in the day and I can’t spend all of them listening to that boring twat.

“I achieved a lot during those 45 minutes. I made a shopping list, decided on some plans for the weekend, and even had time to spare for a bit of a daydream.

“Then he had the audacity to accuse me of ignoring him. Yes, he was right, but he still shouldn’t have said it. Fortunately I managed to turn the whole thing round on him, leaving him wracked with guilt. Result.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Nom, and other words that revoke your status as an adult

LANGUAGE constantly evolves, but some words will forever make you sound like an overgrown child. Avoid these if you still want to be treated as a grown-up.

Nom

It is no longer 2011. Nyan cat is long dead, along with Nerdfighters and this tedious word which expresses your excitement for eating. You don’t just date yourself when you say nom, you single yourself out as an immature twat. Instead, say something more mature like ‘F**k yes, I’m bloody starving’ when your food arrives.

Vibes

Once a piece of verbal grouting that fitted around proper words, vibes has developed ideas above its station. Adults of voting age are now slipping it into conversation without a hint of self-awareness or irony, and language as a whole is suffering as a result. Expect its natural Orwellian conclusion – ‘double plus vibes’ – to be socially acceptable by the end of the year.

Interwebs

That’s not what the internet is called. You know that’s not what the internet is called. So if you still insist on using this tiresome word then every adult privilege should be shredded before your very eyes. No more passport. No more voting papers. No more driving licence, which means you’re f**ked if you get ID’d. You’ve only got your stupid, childish self to blame.

GOAT

For anyone who isn’t a member of Gen Z, this acronym means: greatest of all time. You’ll often hear it used to express appreciation of a slightly better than average Boots meal deal sandwich or whatever Marvel film has just been released. People over 25 who drop GOAT into a sentence are usually met with hate-filled, scornful expressions though, which they deserve.

Cheugy

A word used by young people a decade ago to mock try-hard lifestyle trends. Already hideously outdated in the ever-changing world of youth slang, cheugy is primarily used by parents of Zoomers who are trying and failing to look down with the kids. Which in itself is admittedly pretty cheugy, but that still doesn’t give you a free pass to say it.

Next story ›