'I was watching that, wanker': Childish arguments to have with your adult sibling this Christmas 

JUST because you’re both in your 30s doesn’t mean your brother or sister has ceased to be a twat, or that you should not come to blows about the following trivialities: 

‘I was watching that, wanker’ 

You were happily munching crisps and watching the Only Connect Christmas special. Leave the room to top up your Riesling and there’s your brother in your chair eating your crisps starting the new Indiana Jones. The resulting row only ends when Mum confiscates the remote.

‘You cheating bitch’

Your sister, apparently a lawyer now, is incapable of even a simple round of charades without being a overcompetitive arsehole. Mouthing words and using rudimentary sign language to win, and Dad just lets her. You get her back by eating her Ferrero Rocher.

‘We’re not allowed to open presents until Christmas Day!’

On Christmas Eve, presents under the tree, your little brother incorrectly insisted that he be allowed to open one before bed. You rightly twatted him for this when you were twelve, but can you justify violence to prevent him opening a pack of M&S Fresh Feet socks ten hours early?

‘I should have won the cracker’

Dinner served, you pull Christmas crackers with your brother and win both. It was fair and square, his pulling technique simply wasn’t up to scratch. Your 70-year-old mother shouldn’t have needed to intervene and explain that there’s only one cracker each so everyone gets a prize, yet here you are.

‘She’s got more than me!’

Why the f**k has your sister got at least fifty percent more Christmas pudding than you? She was always the favourite. You tell your mother not microwaving another one because that’s not the point. Why are you so angry about this? Is it because little sis owns her house, while you rent a room in a flatshare with students who’ve nicknamed you ‘Dad’?

‘He’s had my chair’

The festive argument that bests stands the test of time is your brother, whether at meals or in the front room, always parking his arse in your chair. Bide your time. He’s pushing 40. He’ll need a piss sooner rather than later.

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Six weird celebrities you can't imagine at home celebrating Christmas

THIS is more than a time of peace and goodwill for nobodies like you – it is also Christmas for the stars. Though it remains hard to imagine these freaks doing it: 


Whatever plane of existence the Icelandic singer-songwriter resides in, it does not contain anything as mundane as the Doctor Who Christmas special. The Icelandic shrike-warbler spends Jesus’s birthday shrieking into a vortex and carving up an octopus before transforming into a cloud, which is a slow Monday.

Elon Musk

The world’s richest dickhead won’t waste X-mas, as he insists on f**king calling it, doing what the sheep do. Instead he’ll be tweeting, launching rockets, designing magnet hat urban rail submersibles and tweeting like a wanker. Morons will lap up his latest innovation of unleashing smallpo-X.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Surrounded by lit candles, the room rendolent of her lubricated pussy, Gwynnie will pretend to have a regular if lavish day and splash pictures of it over Instagram. In reality she’s like sacrificing a goat as part of a Satanic blood ritual, with celebrity guests Ellen DeGeneres and Kevin Hart.

Jamie Oliver

You think you know how Jamie Oliver spends Christmas. You’ve seen him thousands of times, sprinking fresh ‘erbs all over the bloody stovetop. But you don’t. That’s just telly. Doing that at Christmas would be like a working day for him. Instead he spends the day in darkness with strict orders not to be disturbed watching vintage 1930s pornography.

Liz Truss

Liz Truss is unaware what month it is, let alone the significance of today. Her keepers will treat her to an extra large portion of feed as a Christmas present, then she’ll while away the afternoon trying to figure out who that is in the mirror. After a few swings on her perch, they’ll put her cover on and she’ll fall instantly asleep.

Andrew Tate

The top G doesn’t celebrate Christmas. He’s got much more important shit to do like getting furious about pronouns and sex trafficking. After all, only brokies spend Christmas with their loved ones instead of cruising around in one of their many Bugattis. Or at least that’s what your poor, corrupted nephew has been tricked into thinking.