Is your partner better than a gay penguin? Take the quiz...

GAY penguins are fantastic, but before you leave your spouse for the comfort of one of these Antarctic sex-symbols, why not take our quiz to see if you’re making the right decision.

1. You’re tired of sitting on your egg all day, and ask your partner to take a turn. Do they:

A) Happily oblige. They understand the shared responsibility of parenthood and know that this egg is not going to hatch by itself.

B) Loudly protest that they’re going to meet Gavin down the pub to watch football, and claim that you’re the crazy one for sitting on eggs all day.

2. You’ve prepared a lovely fish supper for your partner, after having spent the day swimming miles to source local ingredients for the meal. Do they:
A) Gobble down your delicious dinner with overwhelming gratitude. They too have had a hard day of swimming, and really appreciate the lengths that you’ve gone to.

B) Flip the plate over and shout “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, I don’t like fish”. Maybe a fish finger sandwich, but only if it’s lathered in ketchup. I can’t eat this shit.”

3. You decide to spice things up in the bedroom and ask your partner for suggestions. Do they:
A) Suggest a weekend away to New York where you can reconnect in a steamy hotel and see some friends at Central Park Zoo whilst you’re there.

B) Say that they’re tired from going down the pub with Gavin and turn away from you to sleep, even though you and your child are reliant upon their warmth against the sub-zero temperature winds. You and your new-born slowly freeze to death and your lifeless corpses litter the Antarctic wastelands.

Mostly As: Are you sure you’re not already with a gay penguin? Things couldn’t be better and you’re happy reaching new heights with your flightless companion. The only threat to your love is the inevitable apocalyptic effect of climate change, so maybe buy a Toyota Prius?

Mostly Bs: Your relationship is disintegrating faster than the ice caps so it’s time for you find a gay penguin. You’ll only have yourself to thank when you are warm and snug in your permanent love nest.
Plus, they’re great at oral sex.

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Woman cheating on KeepCup with filthy paper gigolos

A WOMAN who left her reusable flask at home has been coming in late from work with brown lips and stinking of pumpkin spiced latte.

Emma Bradford has been secretly sipping flat whites from paper cups for over three months, sometimes without the use of a protective thermal sleeve.

She admitted: “At first it was just a mistake. I forgot my Keep Cup one morning and I thought, ‘what the hell, one little espresso won’t hurt anybody’. But it was so hot. The moment it touched my lips I knew that it was totally worth the 40p I would have otherwise saved.

“Last week I did it in the station with a cappuccino from Upper Crust. It tasted like shit, but I was very turned on the entire time.”

Bradford’s Keep Cup, who has been building up residual stains in a cupboard since last April, said: “I knew it was over the day she put a cup-a-soup inside me.”