There will never be a ginger Bond, confirm producers

PRODUCERS of the James Bond franchise have confirmed that there will never be a ginger Bond for as long as they have any say in the matter.

After clarifying that there will never be a female Bond the statement on gingers was rushed out to reassure fans left wondering by the omission.

Bond enthusiasts have traditionally strong opinions about the canonical integrity of the totally made-up spy.

To fans, 007 may be able to survive falling from a helicopter into a glass factory, but it would be unrealistic if he was from France – or had ginger hair.

A source said: “In this world of PC gone mad, Bond is one constant. He enables his most devoted fans to feel like some things will be there forever, and that they will never get old or get cancer and die.

“So, no girls and no gingers, ever. And definitely no ginger girls. Adele doing the theme song is as close as we’re ever going to get.”

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6 ways to celebrate Brexit Eve

BIG Ben may not be bonging, but that’s no reason not to celebrate leaving the world’s largest trading bloc on January 31st. Try these: 

Remoaners in the Stocks
Anyone who voted Remain was wrong and hated Britain, so time to teach them a good-natured lesson. Get them in the stocks and pelt them with vegetables until they say sorry, accept their apology, shake hands, all settled.

Brexit Community Cook-off
Under Boris Johnson Brexit will be so smooth nobody will need their stockpiled food and toilet paper. So bring the street together with a cook-off and bonfire where everyone chips in. Those deep-seated rifts will be healed by a stew made of tinned ravioli and Spam.

Bung a Bob for Bunting
Crowdfunding Big Ben fell flat, but bunting’s much more manageable. Ask people to donate red, white and blue material to cover the UK with tiny triangular symbols of their jingoism and after January 31st it can be repurposed to create a line down the Irish sea. It’s not a border if it’s flappy, fun and patriotic.

Racist Grandparent Day
It’s all for them really, so let’s join the older generation’s joy, all dress up as xenophobic pensioners and spend the day wallowing in prejudice. Don’t miss the midnight Golliwog Parade.

NHS Trolley Dash
To celebrate all the extra money the NHS will be getting under Brexit, dress as a nurse and race around a hospital with a patient on a trolley. When finished just leave them in any corridor, in accordance with current NHS practice.

Bonk a Brit Day
In honour of the values of Brexit architect Boris Johnson, go out and shag someone. Preferably British, but no problem if it’s someone foreign and helpful who knows their place. Happy Brexit, everyone.