Saturday, 4th April 2020

Scientists discover fourth takeaway option

SCIENTISTS have announced the discovery of a fourth takeaway option that is neither Chinese, Indian and pizza. 

The discovery promises to revolutionise Friday and Saturday evenings for millions of hungry, lazy b*stards.

Dr Julian Cook said: “I can’t reveal much just yet but we’re all confident this isn’t another false breakthrough, like Thai food.

“I can say that the takeaway meets our three criteria: it can be ordered in endless fussy variations that are largely identical, it comes in lots of little boxes and it’s absolutely delicious.

“For the moment, the particular ethnic cuisine it is based on – obviously bastardised for the British palate by adding loads of sugar – is a closely guarded secret.

“We still have a lot of tests to run, including trying it under cold morning hangover conditions and a battery of booze compatibility checks, but by October we should be running limited trials in Scotland. If the subjects survive, it’s ready to market.”

Takeaway fan Nathan Muir said: “I hope it makes me feel bloated and guilty. That’s my favourite.”