Scientists discover fourth takeaway option

SCIENTISTS have announced the discovery of a fourth takeaway option that is neither Chinese, Indian and pizza. 

The discovery promises to revolutionise Friday and Saturday evenings for millions of hungry, lazy bastards.

Dr Julian Cook said: “I can’t reveal much just yet but we’re all confident this isn’t another false breakthrough, like Thai food.

“I can say that the takeaway meets our three criteria: it can be ordered in endless fussy variations that are largely identical, it comes in lots of little boxes and it’s absolutely delicious.

“For the moment, the particular ethnic cuisine it is based on – obviously bastardised for the British palate by adding loads of sugar – is a closely guarded secret.

“We still have a lot of tests to run, including trying it under cold morning hangover conditions and a battery of booze compatibility checks, but by October we should be running limited trials in Scotland. If the subjects survive, it’s ready to market.”

Takeaway fan Nathan Muir said: “I hope it makes me feel bloated and guilty. That’s my favourite.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple decide to live together before breaking up

A COUPLE have chosen to move in together before taking the next step of breaking up.

Joseph Turner and Francesca Johnson want to make sure they are committed to spending the rest of their lives apart, so are putting themselves in a situation that will bring out their absolute worst.

She said: “I have so many doubts about my future with Joseph, and I’m excited to confirm these by sharing a one-bedroom flat that he will never clean.

“We’ve been together for two years, so it’s not like we’re rushing in to the end of our relationship.

“It’s such a pain always going over his or him coming to mine, often with very little payoff. Once we’re both together under the same room I know I can be sure this isn’t working out.”

Turner agreed: “If we can manage six months of arguments about the bins, telly and my stinking football boots, I think the time will be right to pop the question ‘Shall we call this a day?’

“Maybe I’ll do it on holiday, or when I come home pissed after a night out and spill cheesy chips all over her shoes. Either way, I’m sure she’ll say yes and it’ll make us both so happy.”