Saturday, 4th April 2020

How to still be a sanctimonious vegan now you can eat sh*te from KFC like everyone else

NOW KFC, Greggs and Burger King all sell plant-based products, vegans are at risk of not being as special. Here’s how to stay strong: 

It can be plant-based and vile 

A vegan burger from KFC will be much the same as a chicken burger: both strange, tasteless lumps of protein produced in sinister circumstances. Yes, one killed a living being, but both are disgusting so insist on going to a vegan cafe.

The moral high ground gets shaky

Once you’ve cut out tasty animal flesh and delicious cheese, 80 per cent of your sustenance comes from sitting on your high horse judging others. You lose the right to do this the second you step into a KFC so don’t be tempted.

Remember it’s about ethics

Being a vegan isn’t just about inconveniencing everyone else for attention, it’s ethical. Just because your food’s covered in salt and you eat it out of a bag. That’s a betrayal of your principles which needs to be explained to everyone at length.

You’ll hate yourself afterwards

Much like three bottles of red wine on a Monday night, fast food seems like a wonderful idea and soon spirals into disaster. Just because that Greggs steak bake is vegan doesn’t mean it isn’t a mess of grease, gravy and remorse. And if you’re going to feel that way you may as well be carnivorous.