I've been diagnosed with ADHD, says friend you're not allowed to find annoying anymore

A FRIEND you previously found irritating and inattentive claims to have been gifted the perfect get-out clause in the form of his ADHD diagnosis.

Joseph Turner is happy to report that he has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, meaning you are no longer permitted to find his lack of concentration and constant talking annoying lest you look like a monster.

Turner said: “It’s all there in black and white like a medically-certified ‘get out of jail free’ card. So stop your bitching.

“Now whenever I make impulsive decisions or get hyper-focused on something on my phone, you have to swallow your rage and smile. What’s the alternative, rolling your eyes at a neurodiverse person just trying to get by? That’s a bad look, bro.

“Yesterday you thought I was overbearing and obnoxious, but now you know I’m unable to pick up on social cues and that you’ve been an ableist scumbag all this time. If anything I should be the one shitcanning you from my contacts.

“Anyway, I look forward to you U-turning on every negative thing you’ve ever thought or said about me. So what if my personality is actually somewhat unpleasant? Good luck trying to explain that to anyone without coming across like a prick.

“Honestly, I wish I’d gone on the internet and diagnosed myself years ago.”

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Madonna's Hung Up, and other songs with samples that ruined the original

MADONNA begged ABBA for permission to sample Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! and now you can’t hear it without thinking of her shoddy version. But it’s not the only tune ruined by being sampled.

Hung Up by Madonna (2005)

ABBA are notoriously strict about who can use their back catalogue, as The KLF found out when they were sued for sampling Dancing Queen without permission. Weirdly, though, they were happy to let Madonna use Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!. Clearly they hadn’t heard Hung Up, which is less a sample, and more Madge droning limply over the the original. Also, the leotard she wears in the video is so disturbingly skimpy in the crotch area you’ll be put off your dinner.

Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) by Jay-Z (1998)

If you had even a smidgen of affection for Annie before you heard this song, it will have been completely destroyed after you’ve heard Jay-Z and friends mumbling along to it. Are lyrics like ‘with the smoke Glock fleeing the murder scene’ appropriate for a track sampling a song from a kids’ film? Jay seems to think so, but fortunately the video doesn’t feature any annoying little ginger kids.

Bootylicious by Destiny’s Child (2002)

Aside from ‘bootylicious’ being the type of cringe noughties phrase you never want to hear again, this is a cracking song. However, Stevie Nicks’ Edge of Seventeen is also a cracking song, and you can’t listen to one of them without also hearing the other. Is it a problem? Maybe not, and anyway, the behemoth that is Beyoncé will swallow up all the other music in the world eventually. She’s doing country next, you know. 

Stronger by Kanye West (2007)

Kanye West was already a bit of a dick when this song was released, but hadn’t yet married a Kardashian or praised Hitler and called himself a Nazi, so you can forgive Daft Punk for allowing him to sample Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. They probably regret it now West has gone full fascist but it’s too late, and the two are forever associated in your mind.

I’ll Be Missing You by Puff Daddy (1997)

It’s nice that Puff Daddy wanted to create a tribute to Biggie Smalls, but did he have to take Sting’s creepy stalking song and make it even worse by turning it into something so horribly mawkish and sentimental? It seems he did. The silver lining here is that he didn’t ruin a better song, but sometimes the most respectful thing to do is say nothing at all.

Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift (2017)

I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred has been sampled a huge amount of times, but probably the most impressive outing for what can only reasonably described as a novelty joke song is Look What You Made Me Do. It’s not a bad tune, but all you can think about when you hear it is how much cash it’s raking in for the Fairbrass brothers, which means they don’t have to work and can spend all their time polluting social media with mad anti-vax conspiracy theories. Thanks, Taylor.