Key to happy relationship is remembering you obviously can't do any better

THE key to a happy relationship is reminding yourself that you cannot possibly do any better, it has been confirmed.

The claim was made by relationship expert Nikki Hollis, who says it is based the evidence of ‘opening your f*cking eyes and ears’.

Hollis said: “A lot of people ask themselves ‘Am I with the right person?’ And the answer is quite simply, ‘No’. There are billions of people on this planet, there’s more chance of Ant McPartlin getting his no claims bonus than you finding ‘the one’.

“Sure you could spend your whole life single on the off-chance that one day you’d meet Ryan Gosling or Beyonce and they’d unexpectedly find you extremely erotic. But the reality is they aren’t coming and they won’t. I mean look at the state of you.

“The key to being happy isn’t being attracted to or particularly interested in your partner, it’s reminding yourself on a daily basis that you’re both as shit as each other. That’s literally what love is.”

She added: “The healthy thing to do is ignore nagging feelings like ‘This is the unhappiest I’ve ever been’ and cling on, cling on like a tick or parasite would to a dying animal, because this is as good as it gets. For you, anyway.”

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Man wishes he could admit threesome was a bit shit

A MAN lauded for having taken part in a threesome wishes he could confess how disappointing the whole experience was. 

Tom Booker, 28, is the hero of his peer group for the threesome he enjoyed with his ex-girlfriend and her housemate a week ago but is secretly longing to tell everyone it was not worth the bother.

He said: “They cheered when I arrived at the pub last night. I feel like such a fraud.

“Yes, there were moments when I was not only enjoying myself but revelling in the glory of it. But, being truthful, they were few and far between.

“There’s an awful lot of waiting about. And when you’re not waiting about, you’re extremely self-conscious about being watched by the person who is. Throws you off your game.

“And even when you’re fully occupied, if you know what I mean, it’s honestly work. You’re trying to concentrate on down here but you’ve also got a job to do up there and I just ended up feeling quite annoyed.

“Still, at least I got it done before I was 30. I bet Machu Picchu’s a load of shit as well.”