Saturday, 8th May 2021

Making a tit of yourself in front of your daughter's new boyfriend: A dad's guide

TALKING to the teenage bellend shagging your daughter is never easy, but here’s how to make sure he thinks you are an absolute twat.

‘I had long hair too when I was your age’

A pointless gesture of hollow mateyness which he probably won’t believe while looking at the balding bonce in front of him. That’s if he’s even listening when the chances are his hormone-addled mind is wondering if your wife is fit.

‘I was in a band too back in the day’

Not really worth mentioning. Because, just as he is convinced him and his mates are destined to be the next Radiohead, he’ll be equally cocksure you were shit. And getting out that tinny old cassette recording will only confirm his suspicions. Only really works if you’re Robert Plant or, indeed, Thom Yorke.

‘Fancy a drink, mate?’ 

While sacrificing a bottle of your favourite craft beer might seem like the ultimate sacrifice to you, to him it’s just lukewarm brown shit in a glass, and nothing like the cheap canned Aldi lager he loves. And don’t try to be all hip and cool by offering a vodka and Red Bull, because that went out with the Ark too.

‘She was sick all over the back seat of the car on the way to Rhyl’ 

Hit him with unsavoury details of your daughter’s childhood guaranteed to slightly put him off the relationship. Or simply bore him rigid with gripping tales of trips to the zoo and school plays. If you’re going to have to put up with this awkward charade regularly, he may as well suffer too.