Man apologises to girlfriend for unspecified thing he did wrong

A MAN has made a heartfelt apology to his partner for callously doing something he has no memory or understanding of. 

Stephen Malley repeatedly expressed his regret to sullen girlfriend Donna Sheridan despite her refusal to give him any clues as to the time, place or nature of the unforgivable thing he did.

Malley said: “Donna seemed fine when I walked in from work, but within minutes she was only communicating in grunts or hostile silence.

“I asked her what she was upset about and she replied ‘If you don’t know, I’m not going to spell it out for you’. That didn’t help much, but obviously that’s my fault.

“I even told her how nice her new hairstyle looked as soon as I’d taken my coat off and sat down, but all I got was a ‘Hmmph!’ and a toss of the head. 

“Did I accidentally run over the cat? I hope not. I haven’t been cheating on her, because you’d probably remember the sex and whatnot. All I could do was promise it will never happen again. If I ever find out what it is.”

Sheridan said: “90 quid I spent on these highlights. 90 f**king quid. It was a good five minutes before he noticed and bothered to compliment me, the selfish bastard.

“If he thinks he’s getting any this weekend he’s pissing well dreaming.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The boomers' guide to sitting at home being furious

ARE you comfortably retired? Nothing much to worry about? Here Lynne and Norman Steele give their tips on sitting in front of the TV being perpetually f**ked-off.

Remember everyone wants something for nothing these days

Immigrants, dole scroungers, snowflakes – they’re all living it up on Easy Street. The latest phone, money for pizzas and drugs, a new Mercedes delivered by their social worker, no wonder you’re angry. Be fuming at all times, and ignore your GP saying you need to lower your blood pressure. She’s coining it in from the transgender scam anyway.

Avoid different points of view

Restrict your social life to people exactly like you. When you say ‘Look at London now’, Pam and Roger will know exactly what you mean (too many of ‘them’). You don’t want someone like your niece saying ‘I think things are okay’, challenging your firmly-held conviction that we live in a modern hellscape and everyone would be better off just killing themselves.

Get opinions from phone-ins 

Thankfully there are some voices of sanity left in Woke Britain – the phone-in callers to Talk Radio, Nick Ferrari on LBC and Jeremy Vine on Channel 5. When a gibbering lunatic says ‘The EU wanted Ukraine addicted to Covid vaccines, that’s what Boris were unhappy about’, listen and take it in. He knows what he is talking about.

Choose the correct newspaper

It should have a daily example of liberal stupidity on its front page, such as: ‘WILL SHAMIMA BEGUM BECOME THE NEW HEAD OF THE BBC?’ So basically it should be the Express, Mail or Telegraph. If every story isn’t designed to pander to easily-manipulated old people it’s just shoddy journalism.

You are right due to your age

You sat the 11-plus, not modern exams where everyone gets an A+++, and have a wealth of real-life experience from 45 years working in the accounts department of the same plastic guttering firm in Macclesfield. Also age automatically make you wise, so there is literally no chance of being wrong about anything. You said Corbyn was an idiot, and where is he now? Exactly.

Embrace new technology 

The internet places knowledge at your fingertips and allows you to research any subject. So spend hours at your old PC reading your sister-in-law Judith’s Facebook posts about how pharmaceutical companies put hormones in toothpaste to turn you gay, but you can protect yourself with a crystal energy bracelet.

Don’t go out

A trip to the supermarket or B&Q is acceptable. You can share any so-called ‘bigoted’ opinion with checkout staff and they’ll noncommittally agree for an easy life. But overall avoid contact with new people or things. The last thing you want is to get invited to pensioner’s film night at the civic centre and meet an Asian man who’s friendly and likes The Dam Busters.