Man discovering wife's affair finally able to admit he broke missing mug

A HUSBAND who discovered his wife had been having a year-long affair was relieved to finally admit he broke a mug while unloading the dishwasher.

Joe Turner, 36, had been weighed down by the guilt of the broken mug for two weeks – so was delighted when his wife’s adultery gave him the perfect opportunity to come clean.

He said: “It’s one of her favourite mugs and I was agonising over how I was going to bring it up. When I found out she’d been forging a deep physical and emotional connection with someone else behind my back I was absolutely thrilled.

“I saw some messages on her phone and when I confronted her about them she broke down and told me everything. I just couldn’t believe my luck. I knew instantly it was time bring up the mug. How could she be mad at me now?

“I told her what had happened when I was emptying the dishwasher and she just seemed uninterested and confused. All she wanted to talk about was her affair and how she doesn’t know whether she loves me anymore. It was an absolute result.”  

Since his discovery, Turner and his wife Ellie have had no further conversations about the affair or the future of their relationship.

Joe added: “Obviously the whole affair thing is a bit upsetting and I’m going to have a proper think about all that at some point.

“But honestly, this whole mug thing was causing me so much grief. I thought she was going to kill me. It feels like a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders.”

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How the Euros are going to f**k up your month if you don't give a shit about football

IF you don’t care about football, your life is about to become a waking nightmare. Despair as you’re subjected to these things, you non-football-loving weirdo.

TV is f**ked

The games are all on BBC and ITV so if you’re an avid viewer of Dickinson’s Real Deal, or the far superior Bargain Hunt, you are shit out of luck. It will also mean missing out on whatever cheap reality show about knitting or something the BBC puts on at eight o’clock, when they know everyone under 50 is streaming something better.

Pubs and bars become no-go zones

Forget having a quiet drink at your local this month, because for some reason footie fans have to watch all the football, not just their team, which means going the pub for every game and getting blackout pissed by the second half because none of them really give a shit about the score of Turkey vs Czechia. Try reading The Silmarillion in a corner to really feel like a social reject.

The office pool/fantasy football league

If you haven’t mastered the art of knowing just enough about football to fake your way through a conversation, you are out of time to learn. Hiding at your desk or the simple act of nodding while someone talked about goal aggregates was enough last week, now you have to download a bloody app as well as piss five quid away betting on Slovenia because no other sod would take them.

Nationalism everywhere

Until last week all you knew about your neighbour was that they drove an Audi and would listen to Crowded House a bit too loud on weekends. Now you’re finding out that they are loonily patriotic as their windows are suddenly covered in England flags they got from JD Sports. 


If there’s one positive thing about the Euros it’s that it will bring the country together like the bunch of hopeless losers we are when England inevitably get knocked out. Sure, we make a song and dance of pretending we can win, but that’s just our secret masochism making eventual defeat all the sweeter. And what, at the end of the day, is more English than celebrating being crap at something?