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Man discovers women's profiles on dating apps have bios

A MAN was astonished to find that women’s profiles on dating apps contain useful information about them once you scroll past the first photo.

Jack Browne, aged 24, could not believe the amount of actionable personal information freely available on women’s profiles when, by accident, he does not instantly judge on their looks and swipe left.

He said: “I was trying to scroll down to get a better look at this one girl’s cleavage, and there it all was. Her age, height, location, all clearly laid out. Plus her name, which I forget.

“I thought it must be a freak glitch, but it’s on every woman’s profile. Along with details about their job, what they do for fun, and what they want out of a relationship. It’s almost like they’re sifting for compatible partners instead of meaningless hookups.

“Armed with all that useful data, I thought about crafting personalised opening messages to my matches. But then I thought no, that’s creepy, they’ll think I’m some kind of stalker pervert who wants to get to know them. So I’m sticking with ‘nice arse’.

“Nobody’s replied to me yet though. Which I’m taking as proof that women are actually shallow bitches and are only interested in wealth, status and height.”

Dating app user Nikki Hollis said: “Dating apps kind of work the opposite way for women. Finding a man likes ‘banter’ and is seeking someone who ‘doesn’t take life too seriously’ can repel us from even the most gorgeous.”

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Ethnic minority man who shortened his name immediately beloved by gammons

A MEMBER of an ethnic minority who bastardised his name into a single, easy-to-pronounce syllable has been lifted into the air by his gammon colleagues.

After deciding that ‘Sid’ was about his workmates’ level, Siddharth Patel was transformed in moments from ‘one of those diversity hires’ to ‘one of the good ones’.

He said: “I decided it was easier than repeatedly correcting everyone, but it’s been taken like I’ve offered the olive branch of peace after generations of war.

“It’s unlocked a series of previously unavailable workplace privileges, including Friday pub lunches and being told ‘we don’t mean you, mate’ when immigration comes up. Which it does far more frequently than I had previously realised.

“We’ve gone from ‘where are you really from?’ and ‘do you even drink?’ to invites to play five-a-side, all because I now bear the moniker of an elderly white man. They assume I support England in the cricket. And that I care about cricket.

“It’s amazing what deleting six letters can do for race relations. I’ve told my wife to become ‘Jaz’ immediately and she’ll be promoted by the end of the week.”

Psychologist Sophie Rodriguez said: “The phenomenon has been observed for decades with Mohammed becoming Mo and countless Chinese students deciding ‘Kevin’ was preferable to three years of ‘I’ll never get that right’.”

Patel’s colleagues have declared Britain the least racist country in the world, citing the fact they ‘get on brilliantly with Sid’ and ‘he even eats sandwiches’.

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