NIGEL Farage is facing yet more controversy over his generous, unmotivated donors. Clearly he’s open for business, but what returns can you expect from shares in Nige?
Sexual favours
Surely a possibility for wealthy Reform supporters who are not gay, but respond positively to images of Nigel draped on a bed wearing a Union Jack bow tie and scarlet posing pouch? Would he have congress with a man for anything other than a life-changing sum? No. Is five million pounds a life-changing sum? Yes.
Your speech read out in Parliament
Is there a random petty issue you’re fixated on? Nigel will bore the Commons for a full 15 minutes about some nonsense topic on your behalf. ‘Mr Speaker, I wish to raise an important matter,’ he will say. ‘Does anyone else not get what was so great about Minder?’
Appearances at family events
Farage is in demand as an after-dinner speaker, and for a substantial donation he’ll throw in a personal appearance at your family event. Maybe your dad’s 70th, or your sister’s wedding? An investment which only yields dividends if your family are Reform voters and the man your sister is marrying is white.
Your own personal legislation
Investing in Nigel now will ensure he can enact legislation for you when he’s prime minister. Hate queuing for the till in Sainsbury’s? He can make it illegal for you not to be ushered to the front. An attractive co-worker obstinately not sleeping with you? Let’s see if she still plays hard to get when she’s looking at a 35-year prison sentence.
Taking stuff to the tip
The garage is full: a broken bed frame, a roll of manky carpet, two knackered hoovers. Since you’ve bought him, Nigel can do it. Will he lower himself to this slightly demeaning task? Of course. He spends hours every day making Cameo messages for white van men.
Becoming a Reform MP
There’s no way Nigel will turn down hard cash to make you the candidate for a deprived constituency. Which could be enormous fun for a wealthy liberal troll who’ll then promote policies making Reform voters incandescent with rage and confusion, like an all-trans SAS.
Blatant corruption
Got a business interest like running a cake shop? Make the biggest donation to Nigel you can, and when he’s PM he’ll return the favour by ordering all UK schools to give pupils a hearty cake breakfast and you’re the sole supplier. A bit transparently corrupt even for Nigel? Unlikely, unless all his current donors are in it for pure charity to such a deserving guy.
