Man empowers women by splitting the bill

A MAN is fighting for female equality by always insisting on splitting the bill at the end of dates.

32-year-old Josh Hudson thinks women should be treated exactly the same as men by being asked to pay for their own meal and drinks after a dinner with him.

Hudson said: “I know it’s traditional for men to pay after a date, but those times have changed. Women don’t find it impressive, I’ve paid for countless bills and still been ghosted straight after I tapped my card.

“It used to be seen as chivalrous, but now it’s downright patronising. Think about the message it’s giving. By picking up the bill, I’m basically saying I don’t think my date can afford it, and thereby tacitly endorsing the gender pay gap.

“My dad said when he was dating in the 80s the only upside of getting the bill was that it guaranteed sex afterwards. But now that the promise of a gratitude shag has gone out of the window thanks to feminism, so has me shelling out for dinner.”

Lucy Parry, who recently went on a date with Hudson, said: “I never mind splitting the bill. What I do mind is wasting an entire evening on a creepy little dickhead like Josh.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Daytime TV presenter sexual fantasies that suggest you need to get a job

YESTERDAY Rachel Riley wore a sexy nude-effect dress on Countdown, and if you already knew that maybe it’s time to get a f**king job? Here are some daytime hotties who prove it’s time for a rethink.

Susanna Reid

The siren song of Britain’s top MILF is so enchanting you’re prepared to put up with reactionary simpleton Richard Madeley talking shit next to her. If you’ve thought this through and consider it a reasonable trade-off, it may be time to break your addiction to daytime TV before you start agreeing with the borderline Nazis on Jeremy Vine on 5.

Gethin Jones

Former rugby player and Blue Peter presenter Gethin is one of several hot presenters on Morning Live. In fact the whole show is a fantasy shagfest if you’re into slightly dated celebs like Kym Marsh, Kimberley Walsh and Rav off Crimewatch. Despite all being slightly past their sell-by dates, none will be impressed by your sofa-and-Universal-Credit lifestyle, so it’s time for some life changes if you’re to fulfil your lifelong ambition of shagging Sara Cox.

Steph McGovern

Steph’s Packed Lunch (‘celebrity guests, recipes, real-life features and entertainment’) suggests you have given up on life and may as well be dead. Perky Steph is a daytime celeb you’d actually stand a chance of shagging in real-life, but even then would you be happy to invite her back to yours for Iceland Chicken Popsters and a glass of White Lightning? No. Get cracking on your CV immediately.

Dermot O’Leary

Not a bad choice. Dermot is good-looking, quite funny and – unusually for a TV presenter – isn’t suspected of any sex crimes. Yes, he’s out your league but if you get out there instead of watching daytime TV all day you might meet someone a bit like Dermot in looks and personality. Just make it clear that you intend to call him Dermot during lovemaking. That will be fine, men are very flexible about getting their leg over.

Laura Hamilton

In your fantasy you and Laura from A Place in the Sun are looking for a love nest in sunny climes, romantically calculating exchange rates and running costs. However, back in reality your Universal Credit of £92.20 a week is unlikely to stretch to a Greek villa, and Laura won’t want to live in Somalia. Not that you stand any chance of shagging her anyway. This fantasy has gone too far, so desist and use your time more productively on Totaljobs.

James Martin

Fantasising about James Martin is an urgent wake-up call, like blood in your stools. He’s the ultimate British everyman, cheerfully average with a growing paunch and ‘smart casual’ M&S shirts every man over 40 owns at least three of. You could be dreaming of relative hunks like Ben Shephard or Alex Beresford, but you’ve set your sights low, much like his James Martin’s Saturday Morning recipes for delicacies like liver and mash.

Rachel Riley

Despite her unhinged Corbyn obsession Rachel is extremely hot and blonde, and as such has a large following of perverts who film her arse when she’s doing sums and put it on YouTube. Is this what you aspire to be? Remember when you had dreams and ambitions? Switch off Countdown, stop wanking and become the man you’re meant to be. And no more fantasising about threesomes with Susie Dent. It’s not going to happen.