YESTERDAY Rachel Riley wore a sexy nude-effect dress on Countdown, and if you already knew that maybe it’s time to get a f**king job? Here are some daytime hotties who prove it’s time for a rethink.
The siren song of Britain’s top MILF is so enchanting you’re prepared to put up with reactionary simpleton Richard Madeley talking shit next to her. If you’ve thought this through and consider it a reasonable trade-off, it may be time to break your addiction to daytime TV before you start agreeing with the borderline Nazis on Jeremy Vine on 5.
Former rugby player and Blue Peter presenter Gethin is one of several hot presenters on Morning Live. In fact the whole show is a fantasy shagfest if you’re into slightly dated celebs like Kym Marsh, Kimberley Walsh and Rav off Crimewatch. Despite all being slightly past their sell-by dates, none will be impressed by your sofa-and-Universal-Credit lifestyle, so it’s time for some life changes if you’re to fulfil your lifelong ambition of shagging Sara Cox.
Steph’s Packed Lunch (‘celebrity guests, recipes, real-life features and entertainment’) suggests you have given up on life and may as well be dead. Perky Steph is a daytime celeb you’d actually stand a chance of shagging in real-life, but even then would you be happy to invite her back to yours for Iceland Chicken Popsters and a glass of White Lightning? No. Get cracking on your CV immediately.
Not a bad choice. Dermot is good-looking, quite funny and – unusually for a TV presenter – isn’t suspected of any sex crimes. Yes, he’s out your league but if you get out there instead of watching daytime TV all day you might meet someone a bit like Dermot in looks and personality. Just make it clear that you intend to call him Dermot during lovemaking. That will be fine, men are very flexible about getting their leg over.
In your fantasy you and Laura from A Place in the Sun are looking for a love nest in sunny climes, romantically calculating exchange rates and running costs. However, back in reality your Universal Credit of £92.20 a week is unlikely to stretch to a Greek villa, and Laura won’t want to live in Somalia. Not that you stand any chance of shagging her anyway. This fantasy has gone too far, so desist and use your time more productively on Totaljobs.
Fantasising about James Martin is an urgent wake-up call, like blood in your stools. He’s the ultimate British everyman, cheerfully average with a growing paunch and ‘smart casual’ M&S shirts every man over 40 owns at least three of. You could be dreaming of relative hunks like Ben Shephard or Alex Beresford, but you’ve set your sights low, much like his James Martin’s Saturday Morning recipes for delicacies like liver and mash.
Despite her unhinged Corbyn obsession Rachel is extremely hot and blonde, and as such has a large following of perverts who film her arse when she’s doing sums and put it on YouTube. Is this what you aspire to be? Remember when you had dreams and ambitions? Switch off Countdown, stop wanking and become the man you’re meant to be. And no more fantasising about threesomes with Susie Dent. It’s not going to happen.