Woman fakes entire relationship

A WOMAN has admitted that she faked the previous five years of an apparently satisfying relationship, it has emerged.

Despite looking and sounding like she was enjoying herself throughout, Nikki Hollis has revealed that she faked her whole relationship with Martin Bishop in order to get it over and done with.

She said: “All those dates in the early days? Fake. My wedding vows? Fake. The orgasms? Doubly fake.

“Martin’s a nice guy but he doesn’t know what he’s doing when it comes to relationships. If I hadn’t pretended to enjoy myself and let our sham love appear to peter out naturally, he might have tried to work on it, which would have been extra tedious for me.

“It was easy enough to do. I just had to laugh at his jokes every now and then, visit his family at Christmas, and tell him I love him on a daily basis. Men are pretty gullible like that.

“I don’t feel bad about doing it. Most women fake a relationship at least once in their life. In fact I’m yet to meet one who hasn’t tricked a guy with a full-blown romance just to get them off her back.”

Bishop said: “I blame myself for being so naive. Buying a house together and raising a family should have been a dead giveaway.”

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Hipster teen has growing collection of obsolete MP3s 

A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads. 

Oliver O’Connor, aged 19, thinks vinyl has become so ubiquitous that it is no longer interesting and has started collecting illegally ripped early-2000s MP3s instead.

O’Connor said “If too many people enjoy something then it must be shit, which is why I have decided to become obsessed with a totally outmoded method of listening to music.

“It’s a bit tricky to show off about, as you can’t display MP3s on your wall like you can with record sleeves, so I’ve printed out screenshots of the digital files and stuck them up instead. I guess it’s like an ironic commentary on physical media. That’s what I tell people anyway.”

O’Connor has found that girls have mixed feelings about being asked to come back to his and sit around a tiny portable player sharing wired earphones while he rambles about his enthusiasm for pirated Avril Lavigne songs.

He said: “They don’t get it and just say it would be way easier to stream stuff on my phone. And I have to ask myself if I really want to be hanging out with people like that?

“I mean, obviously I do, they’re girls. But what would Bob Dylan think?”