Man feeling suffocated by expectation of liking and taking an interest in girlfriend

A BOYFRIEND feels utterly smothered by having to be nice to his partner and spend some of his spare time with her.

Though initially delighted to have a girlfriend and tell all his mates about it, Jack Browne now feels that the entire enterprise is too much like hard work, and is negatively affecting his lifestyle.

He explained: “I asked her to officially go out with me, but I wouldn’t have if I’d known having a bird was like this. It’s only been a week and already I feel like I’m in prison.

“She texts me constantly, like once a day, asking what I’m up to and how I am, and then gets annoyed when I forget to reply but carry on posting five stories an hour on my Instagram like normal.

“It’s definite stalker behaviour. I’m paranoid all the time that she’s going to have a go at me for normal things, like getting another girl’s number.”

Browne’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis has been displaying increasingly erratic behaviour, such as sometimes talking to him about things he is not that interested in and not liking it when he yawns to indicate his displeasure.

He said: “I think I’ll have to dump her. I’m just not ready to be tied down to some mad woman who expects me to enjoy her company when she never talks about stuff like football or other girls’ tits.”

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Seven roles playing arseholes more appropriate for Laurence Fox

LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.

Willie Weasel

If they remake the Tufty road safety films, Laurence already has the look of a slightly manky weasel down to a tee. Willie failed to check for traffic before crossing the road, and in much the same way Laurence failed to check whether it was a good idea to call people paedos on Twitter. It’s a role he was born to play.

The GoCompare bastard

All actors have to do ‘bread and butter’ work at some point in their careers, and TV adverts can be very lucrative. Laurence has the advantage of already being hated by millions before they even put him in a fat suit and he starts singing a horrible opera tune about car insurance.

Christian Grey

The privileged dipshit with a high opinion of himself from Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to feature in a few more sequels. Laurence has also experimented with dominating women, but unfortunately his belittling comments about journalist Ava Evans just got him sacked. Most of Laurence’s interactions with women are probably as wooden and dysfunctional as Christian’s too, fond as he is of issuing pompous warnings like ‘the feminisation of men is a cancer on society’.

Stormtrooper #14

Disney is making more rubbish Star Wars shows, so they’ll always need anonymous stormtroopers who can’t hit Ahsoka when she’s three feet away. And due to being based on the Nazis, the Empire and the First Order are both quite right-wing, which fits in neatly with Loz’s political views. And his love of making swastikas (from LGBTQ+ flags, creatively).

Alex Jones

The shouty American conspiracy theorist is surely due for a biopic, and Laurence would already be up to speed with anti-vaxx twaddle and the Great Replacement theory. He’d have to make it clear it’s Alex Jones the moral vacuum, not Alex Jones the nice One Show presenter, as playing a woman would make his Twitter followers think he’d turned trans due to George Soros putting chemtrails in the water.

Andrew Tate

Brave freedom of speech advocate Tate was imprisoned for speaking the truth about The Matrix (your interpretation of events may vary) so who better to portray his Mandela-like struggle than Fox, who is constantly being cancelled, according to himself? This could actually be an entertainingly deranged streaming drama and make up for Laurence not getting a part in Succession, which the egotistical uber-twat believes he was up for. Sorry, did we say ‘egotistical uber-twat’? That’s really mean. Still, freedom of speech, eh, Laurence?

Jar Jar Binks

Haters would argue that Jar Jar wasn’t the most popular character in the history of cinema, but he’s a lot more popular than Laurence at the moment. Playing the terminally annoying Gungan frog-thing could be a smart career move if some of Jar Jar’s popularity rubs off on Loz.