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Man on holiday has no idea he's expected to propose

A MAN on holiday with his girlfriend does not realise she, her colleagues, her friends, her family and the night shift at an M&S Food in Portsmouth are waiting for him to propose. 

After 32-year-old Tom Logan suggested an October break with Hannah Tomlinson, his girlfriend of three years, she immediately informed nine different WhatsApp groups this was surely it.

Rodriguez said: “He suggested I get my roots done before we go. Somebody’s thinking about the engagement photos!

“I’ve chosen the Instagram caption, gotten a manicure and put my bridesmaids on red alert. I asked innocently if Tom had bought anything new for the hols and he pointed to his Adidas sliders. Such a tease! But how sweet that he wants it to be a surprise.

“He leaned over to whisper to me on the plane and I thought this could be it, but it was to to suggest sex in the toilets. Then when I asked if there was a question on his mind, he said ‘Who would win in a fight between a duck-billed platypus and a platypus-billed duck?’

“Pretty sure he was going to pop the Q in the restaurant last night but another couple did it first. He looked at them with such disdain, for ruining his plans presumably.”

Logan said: “She’s being all weird. I stopped to tie my shoelaces and she started sobbing ‘this is so unexpected!’ They’re f**king lace-ups, though.”

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Taylor Swift vs Charli XCX, and other music feuds where you wish both sides could lose

THE music business is rife with petty arguments between two equally despicable artists. These high-profile disputes should have ended in mutual destruction: 

Taylor Swift vs Charli XCX

Swift is a billionaire as evil as any tech bro, fleecing innocent daughters for cash while processing heart-wrenching breakups that were her fault. The only person she really needs to get over is herself. As for Charli XCX, reframing a London coke lifestyle as ‘Brat’ is no more endearing than when Michael Gove reinvented himself as ‘the Gakster’.

Liam Gallagher vs Chris Martin

The least talented – against stiff competition – Gallagher only stays in the public eye by spraying vitriol everywhere like a cat marking his territory. Chris Martin has the vibes of a cool private school geography teacher, and his entire career’s worth of music is still less entertaining than when Liam got his teeth punched out.

Drake vs Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick Lamar’s business is supposedly wordplay, making his playground taunt of ‘Paedo!’ disappointingly artless. Drake retaliated with taunts about royalty splits and when those were deemed a clear failure, a petulant loser’s lawsuit that was dismissed last week. Why can’t they just kiss like they clearly want to?

Elton John vs Madonna

Sir Elton had a pop at Madge for miming on stage when arguably, given what’s happened to his voice, he should be forced to. But whether you’re pretending to sing or pretending to have hair, you’re both old fakes who need to retire. Nobody wants to see a lady in her late sixties pretending to be a sex-kitten, and farewell is the operative word in farewell tour.

Roger Waters vs David Gilmour

Spent years fighting for the soul of Pink Floyd. On the face of it, supporting a guitarist over a barking mad Putin apologist seems like a no-brainer. But have you ever actually sat through a late-period Floyd album? It’s enough to make you poke the Russian bear so hard that the whole planet collapses into nuclear oblivion.

Tommy Lee vs Kid Rock

Where to start with these two lovely fellas? Tommy Lee is a convicted wife-beater with a rather fetching swastika tattoo. Kid Rock is a vocal Trump supporter who sings about the joys of underage sex. Both came to blows over mutual ex Pamela Anderson, who hopefully doesn’t list ‘excellent judge of character’ among the attributes on her CV.

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