Monday, 3rd August 2020

Man tries to impress woman with everything that makes him a twat

A MAN has attempted to impress his date with all the aspects of his personality that make him an unbearable twat. 

Martin Bishop used a first date with Hannah Tomlinson, who he has fancied for absolutely ages, to go over everything terrible about him to try and kindle a romantic spark between them.

He said: “I just want to make sure I make the right impression on the first date, you know? Let her know I’m an alpha.

“So I’ve gone in about how much I can bench, told her about all the cash I made on the stock market investing in big pharma, listed all the women I’d slept with marking each one out of ten.

“Then I showed her photos of my car, including the hand-tooled leather interior, and told her what a nice guy I am and that I could beat up any of her exes one-handed. And really hammer them. Like hospitalised.

“To finish, I ordered a single malt, sniffed it and commented to the waiter about its ‘phenolic and mouth-coating quality’. Yeah. Think she was impressed.”

Tomlinson said: “He asked the chef could chop up some habaneros and put them in his chocolate mousse to give it extra kick. What a complete tosser.”