Man who criticises women for their size upset when they do it about his penis

A MAN who believes women are not attractive unless they are a certain size is distressed when they say the same thing about his penis.

Stephen Malley believes it is fine to tell women they are not the specific shape he wants them to be, but is strangely unreceptive to similar feedback about his member.

Ex-girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I put on a bit of weight whilst we were going out and Stephen thought hassling me about it would be a good idea, rather than yet another nail in the coffin of our relationship.

“I said if he wanted to be disappointed about size he should take a look in his pants. Then he lost interest in discussing size altogether. He’s not very consistent.”

Malley said: “I’m afraid Nikki doesn’t understand that all women must resemble Victoria’s Secret models but with big – but not too big – Page 3 breasts. How hard can it be to look like that?”

Hollis added: “Still, telling Stephen I could change my size but he was stuck with his chipolata was a quick way to end our relationship.”

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Which idiotic romantic fantasy are you wasting your life on?

LOVE is blind, and stupid too if you’re lusting after people who are unavailable, inappropriate or straight-out idiots. Here’s how to snap yourself out of it.

Your best friend. You’ve loved your best friend for 16 years, and you’re sure this is the year they’ll finally dump their partner to be with you.

Solution: Get real. They’re taken and anyway, look at them. They’re a worn-out husk of the person you first met due to all those triathlons they do now. It would be like kissing a desiccated version of your own brother.

Mr Swift your GCSE Technology teacher. You had your first romantic stirrings when he sexily said “Wear goggles if you’re using the band saw”. You never spoke of your love, but are sure he’s coming back for you 23 years later.

Solution: Learn to count. He is probably very old now. He may even be dead from old age, or more likely the stress of teaching. (See also: Miss Jones, your hot Maths teacher from 1981.)

Jurgen Klopp. Yes, the Liverpool manager. Sure, he’s happily married and you have no interest in football but he seems to be the only man who ever talks any sense.

Solution: Sorry, but the only way Jurgen is going to end up in your bedroom is if you join the Liverpool Fan Club and stick a signed photo on the wall.

That man/woman on the train. You were on the 7:33 from Croydon one day when a vision of beauty brushed past you and apologised. You’ve been fantasising about marrying them ever since.

Solution: Stop building your future around a meeting that lasted less than a second. Definitely don’t keep taking the same train in the hope of meeting them again. The problem with total strangers is you just don’t know if they’re a weirdo who’s into colonic irrigation or roadkill meals made from dead badgers.

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