Man who says sleeping girlfriend 'looks like an angel' lying

A MAN is lying when he tells his girlfriend she looks ‘angelic’ while asleep, feeling she more closely resembles a dead animal.

Jack Browne, 33, has repeatedly told girlfriend Lauren Hewitt, 31, she looks like a beautiful angel while asleep, when actually he has a mental image of a dead sheep or splayed roadkill.

Browne said: “Last week I told her that ancient Greek sculptors would have modelled Aphrodite on her sleeping face. I didn’t say ‘or the slumped corpse of a fox that’s been hit by a Kia Sportage’.

“There’s something about the way her mouth hangs open that’s reminiscent of a dead cow. And the way her limbs stick out at odd angles is a dead ringer for a squished pigeon.

“If she looks like an angel, it’s one of those Biblically accurate ones with 18 eyes and the gaping maw of a lion. It’s a f**king miracle I can get to sleep.”

Hewitt is unaware that Browne has several pictures of her sleeping, which he keeps in a folder entitled ‘Lauren’s Sleeping Gurning Drooling Mug’ and considered posting to her Facebook wall on her birthday as a joke, but luckily decided against.

Hewitt said: “Jack’s endless stream of lovely compliments have given me the confidence to apply to be a model for Dreams, the mattress company. It would be wrong to waste the gift of my natural beauty.”

Browne said: “Good luck with that. I think a more realistic option might be a corpse on a slab in Silent Witness.”

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Who are these environment-hating dickheads Sunak is appealing to? Me

By Roy Hobbs

YOU’D think I’d be concerned about the Earth, due to it being where I live every day. But you’d be wrong. I f**king hate it, and anything that makes it uninhabitable is fine by me.

Rishi Sunak is dead right to scrap green targets. In fact, he should be increasing pollution. Give everyone a free 4×4 on the condition they keep the engine running 24 hours a day. That’s an environmental target I’d like to see – pissing off as many smug greenies and liberals as possible.

Why, you might ask, am I so vehemently opposed to the environment? The answer is simple: it annoys me.

Take trees. Everyone thinks they’re so great but all they do is stand there, making a pointless rustling sound and blocking the sun to my greenhouse. Let’s chop them down, all of them. See my patio furniture over there? Plastic. We don’t need wood anymore, so piss off, trees. 

And of course there’s the cost. British families will pay £15,000 a year extra for green nonsense under Labour. That’s an estimate by a government that lies about more or less everything, reported by newspapers that are mostly right-wing propaganda that would make Pravda look sophisticated, so I see no reason to doubt it.

Another reason to hate the environment is the protestors, especially Greta Thunberg, who has an ugly square face. I’d like to round up every one of them and say: ‘We’re going to shoot you, or an endangered monkey. Which one is it going to be?’ We’d soon see what hypocrites they are. 

And what about progress? I suppose these idiots want us all to live in holes in the ground with no lightbulbs or internet, eating spiders and woodlice to survive. Because that’s the choice we face – burning fossil fuels or living in caves. No one in history has ever reached a sensible compromise before. It’s not possible.

But despite being clear about my environmental views, people still say to me: ‘But Roy, climate change is already wreaking havoc in parts of the world. Aren’t you concerned, even if it’s purely out of self-interest?’

My answer is ‘no’. I’ll happily watch the world burn even if I go up with it. And the great thing is there are millions of bloodyminded, spiteful idiots just like me. See you at the polling station.