A MAN is lying when he tells his girlfriend she looks ‘angelic’ while asleep, feeling she more closely resembles a dead animal.
Jack Browne, 33, has repeatedly told girlfriend Lauren Hewitt, 31, she looks like a beautiful angel while asleep, when actually he has a mental image of a dead sheep or splayed roadkill.
Browne said: “Last week I told her that ancient Greek sculptors would have modelled Aphrodite on her sleeping face. I didn’t say ‘or the slumped corpse of a fox that’s been hit by a Kia Sportage’.
“There’s something about the way her mouth hangs open that’s reminiscent of a dead cow. And the way her limbs stick out at odd angles is a dead ringer for a squished pigeon.
“If she looks like an angel, it’s one of those Biblically accurate ones with 18 eyes and the gaping maw of a lion. It’s a f**king miracle I can get to sleep.”
Hewitt is unaware that Browne has several pictures of her sleeping, which he keeps in a folder entitled ‘Lauren’s Sleeping Gurning Drooling Mug’ and considered posting to her Facebook wall on her birthday as a joke, but luckily decided against.
Hewitt said: “Jack’s endless stream of lovely compliments have given me the confidence to apply to be a model for Dreams, the mattress company. It would be wrong to waste the gift of my natural beauty.”
Browne said: “Good luck with that. I think a more realistic option might be a corpse on a slab in Silent Witness.”