Man whose wife playfully squeezed his belly makes mistake of reciprocating

AFTER his increasingly wobbly waistline was genially pinched by his partner, a man has made the fatal error of doing the same back to her.

Joe Turner was enjoying some leftover Christmas cake with his wife Lauren when what was intended as affectionate banter went horribly wrong.

Turner said: “We were watching TV when Lauren turned to me, asked ‘Enjoying that cake?’ and gave my stomach a little squeeze. She was obviously telling me that she loved me dearly and didn’t care that I’d recently gained some weight.

“Keen to return this warm-hearted gesture, I said, ‘Yes, thanks, how about you?’ and pressed her tummy twice. I even made a couple of squishing noises to show I was being humorous.

“The instant it was out of my mouth, I realised I’d made a terrible mistake. Suddenly the cake was up the wall and she was in floods of tears and shouting something incoherent about three babies being more of an excuse than just being a lazy bastard.

“It took a long time to calm her down, alongside multiple assurances that she is more attractive than all of her friends, and vehemently agreeing that M&S have definitely changed the way they size their jeans in recent years.

“Thank f**k I didn’t pluck the obvious grey hair from her head too. I’d be divorced by now.”

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Woman's freakishly long hair her only achievement 

A WOMAN with hair way down below her arse is convinced it somehow makes her special, she has confirmed.

Charlotte Phelps is so proud of her long locks that she constantly boasts about them as if she were the only human being capable of such an achievement.

Phelps said: “When my hair was only down to my shoulders I was just an ordinary person, no different to the rest of you. But then I stopped going to the hairdresser and now look at me. I’m amazing.

“Yes, it takes the best part of two hours to wash it, brush it and blow-dry it, and I spend a fortune on shampoo and conditioner, but that’s a small price to pay for how deliciously superior I feel.

“People stare at me on the street, gazing openly at my magnificent mane. I’ve heard more than one comment about someone called ‘Cousin Itt’, who I presume is some sort of exotically-named foreign supermodel or something.”

Flatmate James Bates said: “Charlotte’s always stroking her hair and swishing it around to draw attention to it. But, honestly, who can see that amount of the stuff without secretly wanting to gag? Especially when you notice her split ends.

“Also you should see our plughole. No wonder the bathroom keeps flooding.”