AFTER his increasingly wobbly waistline was genially pinched by his partner, a man has made the fatal error of doing the same back to her.
Joe Turner was enjoying some leftover Christmas cake with his wife Lauren when what was intended as affectionate banter went horribly wrong.
Turner said: “We were watching TV when Lauren turned to me, asked ‘Enjoying that cake?’ and gave my stomach a little squeeze. She was obviously telling me that she loved me dearly and didn’t care that I’d recently gained some weight.
“Keen to return this warm-hearted gesture, I said, ‘Yes, thanks, how about you?’ and pressed her tummy twice. I even made a couple of squishing noises to show I was being humorous.
“The instant it was out of my mouth, I realised I’d made a terrible mistake. Suddenly the cake was up the wall and she was in floods of tears and shouting something incoherent about three babies being more of an excuse than just being a lazy bastard.
“It took a long time to calm her down, alongside multiple assurances that she is more attractive than all of her friends, and vehemently agreeing that M&S have definitely changed the way they size their jeans in recent years.
“Thank f**k I didn’t pluck the obvious grey hair from her head too. I’d be divorced by now.”