Man's complex maths justifying age-gap with girlfriend solid foundation for relationship

A 39-YEAR-OLD man dating a 22-year-old woman has a mathematical formula that explains why it is perfectly fine. 

Tom Logan admitted he felt asking Charlotte Phelps out could be dodgy, given the 17 years between them, but a series of complex rules prove that actually it is not creepy and has a great future.

He continued: “Sure, I’ve dated women the same age as me because I thought it was the right thing to do. But that was before I discovered age-gap algorithms.

“If you half my age, multiply by three, square it then average by income gap, it makes an actual number. That proves it’s completely normal and, in many cultures, a sign of respecting women.

“She was born in the year 2000. I was 17 then, the gap between us now, and if my age had reset to zero with the Millennium Bug then we’d be the same age, which proves we’re twin souls destined to be together.

“We’re living in the 21st century, the only century Charlotte has been alive in, so we need to be open to age-gap relationships that follow self-serving maths.”

Phelps said: “Yeah but he is ancient though.”

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Rishi Sunak introduces stupidity tax

THE government is to fill the £50 billion black hole in the public finances by taxing Britain’s stupidity. 

The Inferior Intellect charge will be levied on anyone who has displayed poor intelligence or made idiotic decisions repeatedly over the last 25 years or their lifetime, whichever is shorter.

Sunak announced: “We are in a mess. And who got us here? Clearly not clever people.

“No, the fiscal black hole we need to fill is the fault of the stupid. Britain’s remedial class has put us in this fix and it’s time they paid to get us out.

“From now on every financial transaction will be examined, by algorithm, and judged on its intelligence. If you’re a family buying sensible, budgeted food? No charge. If you’re an 18-year-old buying a motorbike to impress a girl? Stupidity tax of 77 per cent.

“It applies across the board whatever your income. Whether a middle-class family blowing cash on a summerhouse, a working-class teenager doing a sport science degree or a rich man opening a restaurant, you’ll be taxed for your dumbness and deserve it.”

He added: “Retrospective taxes will be levied on all moronic decisions made since 1997, from houses to boats to marriages. Apart from the Brexit vote. That, as always, is an exception.”