Millennial thinks he's almost ghosted enough women to settle down

A MAN thinks the time is coming stop to f**king around ghosting all of his dates and choose one to get to know a bit, it has emerged.

Jack Browne, 29, has spent years disappointing countless women and has decided the moment is almost right to stop freaking out and ignoring them when they show a genuine interest in him.

Browne said: “Some of my friends have started to do weird things like getting married and having babies, which got me thinking that there might be more to relationships than leading someone on and then going suddenly and mysteriously silent when they suggest doing something that doesn’t involve drinking and sex.

“I suppose that means I’ll have to develop some feelings or something. You know, actually find out about their lives and personalities rather than just shagging them a few times and jumping ship.

“I can probably do that. When? Sometime pretty soon I reckon. I’ve just got a few more unsolicited dick pics and aubergine emojis to get out of my system first.”

Lauren Hewitt, who went on three dates with Browne, said: “Oh, that dickhead. He thinks he ghosted me after the first time we shagged but there was no way it was going any further after I’d seen his Spurs duvet cover.”

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What the continental football shirt you choose to wear says about the twat you are

BRITISH, but strutting around in an Inter Milan shirt like you’re something special? Did you know your chosen garment also reveals what kind of twat you are?

Real Madrid

Being a Manchester United fan wasn’t loathsome enough for you. You had to step it up to being despised by a whole continent, so you switched when Ronaldo did. Easier to lord it over Liverpool when you’ve won 14 European Cups, and you really like watching all the top teams and deciding which of their players you’ll have next.


It isn’t their achievements you wish to associate your fat Essex-born self with, it’s their philosophy. Elegant, stylish, committed to the elevation of the creative spirit, you are Barca and Barca are you. Like them you’re mortgaged to the f**king hilt to live an aspirational lifestyle you cannot afford.

Paris Saint-Germain

You’ve chosen to be the baddies. A glittering array of teams before you and you went ‘Who’s the most evil? That one.’ The team known for dominating the French league like cyborgs from the future while dismally and predictably failing everywhere else. Much as you’re known throughout the Swindon area but only as an arsehole.

Inter Milan

You’re not Italian, no, but you feel you have something of that Latinate swagger, that Vespa braggadocio. That you and the Pope could converse on equal terms. And Inter, with their sophistication and world-weary superiority, are very much who you emulate while pushing the trolley around Makro bulk-buying toilet paper.

Bayern Munich

Proudly boring, monotonously successful, you drive a German car, shop in a German supermarket and believe in efficiency above all other things. Were the Nazis efficient? That’s not a conversation you’re interested in having right now. Though you do like to read books about tank movements.

Union Berlin

F**king hipster bellend.