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Mum advising against motherhood a little too forcefully

A WOMAN discouraging her daughter from having children appears to be speaking from bitter personal experience. 

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, asked mother Diane when she felt ready to be a parent and the response was ‘a recruitment campaign for infertility’.

She said: “Mum told me to take my time and think about it, but her face told a less calm story until it blurted out ‘it’s like volunteering to spend 18 years as a hostage.’

“With only a brief tour through the spectacular damage to her pelvic floor, she then toured through cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, watching The Amazing World of Gumball hungover, and ‘piss. So much piss. Years of piss.’

“I was asked to imagine negotiating with someone cretinous enough to refuse good food in favour of Play-Doh. An incident I actually remember.

‘The precious gift of my life was summed up as ‘joy, fulfilment and a profound understanding of why some animals eat their young’. Apparently once she left me and my brother at Keele Services, but made herself turn back.”

Diane said: “This is a photo of me holding me when you were born. You can’t change your mind. No matter how much you beg they won’t let you.”

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Command the Royal Navy and stop the dinghies: A tabletop game for gammons

TABLETOP gaming is popular and older men need an evening activity to keep them red-faced and angry. So why not take on small boats with the Navy as Reform intends?

Instructions: Roll a six-sided die as many times as is required. Dice with larger numbers of sides are available, but came along after 1979 so are suspect. For miniatures, use an Airfix destroyer and ‘dinghies’ snipped from a rubber glove.

Roll 4-6 to launch

Let battle commence! Except Royal Navy destroyers can’t be launched as rapidly as small rubber boats, so a lengthy series of systems tests must be completed. Twiddle your thumbs for five hours.

Engage the enemy 

You have visual contact with the dinghies but the Admiralty, because they’re woke, are reluctant to authorise war crimes so you must roll four sixes for permission to engage. If you succeed, jump to ‘Begin attack!’. If you fail, continue to:

Boring humanitarian mission 

You send out a launch to collect the migrants. Roll 1-3 to help each one on board your destroyer, 5-6 to attempt to take their name, 1-6 to give them a blanket, and 4-6 to send them to the sick bay if necessary. Repeat this 37 times for each migrant. Tabletop gaming has never been so realistic.

Begin attack!

Roll 1-5 to launch torpedoes 

Spearfish torpedoes with 300kg warheads are unleashed. Unfortunately they’re not designed for attacking flimsy rubber boats, so roll three sixes for them to detonate. Otherwise they just bump the dinghies and disappear into the North Sea. That cost you 24 million quid.

Open fire with your main gun 

This is more like it. Roll 1-6 to fire your 4.5 inch Mark 8 gun loaded with high explosive shells. Now roll more dice to calculate the damage to each dinghy. A score of 1-6 indicates they’ve been atomised. Naval combat doesn’t get more exciting than this!

Machine-gun survivors

A frequently expressed right-wing fantasy. However it’s pretty chilling even as a tabletop gaming move, so roll four sixes to confirm you have the unusual level of psychopathy required to give this order.

Be charged with crimes against humanity

On returning to port you are immediately suspended and told you’re being charged with crimes against humanity by the Hague. Will prime minister Farage intervene and get you off the hook? Only if you roll nine sixes every day for a year. Good luck!

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