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Newly single friend available to hang out any time, she announces

A NEWLY single woman has texted all her friends to announced she is available to hang out any time. 

Charlotte Phelps, who was last seen in March 2022, has posted on social media about cutting toxicity out of her life and coincidentally texted everyone she knows asking if ‘they fancy a drink sometime’.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “Well, well. Look who’s come crawling back.

“For 18 months when Charlotte was with Tom, the only contact we had with her was through her sickening Instagram stories.

“She couldn’t come to a single social occasion last Christmas, though she did have time to send us all mini-calendars with 12 seasonally-themed photos of their wonderful love. She missed every birthday.

“If you even tried to meet, you had to book 12 weeks in advance then she’d cancel last-minute because she ‘didn’t like to leave Tom by himself’. What is he, a f**king golden retriever?

“Now it’s all cocktails, marathon training, Italian lessons and ‘hanging out with my besties’. She claims she’s ‘loving being single’ and ‘understands the importance of female friendships’. We all know that’ll only last until the first sniff of cock.”

Rodriguez added: “Obviously we’re meeting up. The girls want to know everything that went wrong between her and Tom.”

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Are you competitive? Try to resist taking this f**king test then

DO you constantly pit yourself against everyone else? Do you have to win at everything, even an online quiz devised specifically to mock you? Find out below: 

Is competing about winning or taking part?

A) It’s about participating in an interesting activity and having a fun experience, either by yourself or with others.

B) Winning. Only winning. Those who take part and do not win have lost, which is unthinkable.

Would you be doing this if there were no winners or losers?

A) Of course. There doesn’t always have to be winners and losers, and who would brag about getting the right answers in an online quiz?

B) What would be the f**king point? Well, actually, yes I would. But I’d find a way to declare myself the winner. How do I share this result to Facebook?

If you had to abandon this test halfway through would you move on, or be eager to get back and finish it?

A) It would be nice to finish, but I wouldn’t lose sleep if I didn’t.

B) Why would you leave? You forfeit the game. You lose. Read the rules. And if there aren’t any rules, write some – including losing by forfeiting the game – then read those rules and understand you lost, and I won.

Are you content to admit others can just be better at a quiz than you are? 

A) Yes. If you had fun then what’s the problem?

B) I don’t understand what you mean. If you don’t win do it again, but harder, faster. Be better, never give up. Ask me one about FA Cup winners.

Would you allow a child to beat you at something so they could experience victory?

A) Yes, of course. It’s a part of normal interaction with a child to allow them to win.

B) What child would see that as a win? They’d know you slacked-off and hate you for not giving 100 per cent. What would that teach a child about survival in the big world, or Call Of Duty?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Even though you’re not very competitive you enjoyed the experience and to you that’s what counts. Please take home this participation trophy.

Mostly Bs: Even though you didn’t enjoy a single minute of this quiz and doubted the validity of every question, you have reinforced what you already knew about yourself. Please take home this participation trophy.

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