IS YOUR girlfriend banging on about something again? Were you thinking about football but love her enough to pretend you were listening? Use these phrases:
Whether her flatmate’s nicked her milk again or her hairdresser is having a baby, this reluctantly-won astonishment covers all bases. Best used after a longish pause to make out the news has just sunk in, winning brownie points for being emotionally invested.
A lot of things in your girlfriend’s life could be crazy. A story about her meeting David Beckham on the bus would be nuts, but then so would one about her friend’s boyfriend being a twat like he always is. Exchange for ‘that’s mad’ and ‘that’s f**king mental’ as required.
Works great if she’s asked for your ‘take on the situation’ and you were quietly using the Wetherspoons app to pre-order tomorrow’s drinks. Also a good excuse to huff, puff and check Google to find out what this ‘gaslighting’ she keeps referencing actually means.
‘You deserve better’
It’s amazing how many situations, from having a bitch of a sister to wondering about that dress in the sale, this applies to. As long as she’s complaining and not giving you good news about a promotion, you come off sounding like a feminist ally, expensive American life coach and devoted boyfriend.
‘Poor you. Shall I open that prosecco?’
Celebrating or commiserating? Pouring her a glass because she’s had a bad day or a good one? You’ve no idea because you weren’t paying attention, but keep the noises non-specific for the first glass and it probably won’t come up again. ‘I think I’ve got a box of Maltesers’ is also acceptable.