PEOPLE who say they feel happier without a relationship are lying to themselves and others, it has been confirmed.
Although they claim to be better off without a steady romantic partner, the nation’s singletons secretly crave a loving connection with another person and are just pretending not to be perpetually on the verge of tears.
Tom Booker said: “Not having a girlfriend is the best. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Except for knowing what emotional fulfilment feels like. Or have sex.
“Although I do get to stay up until 2am mindlessly scrolling through Warhammer 40K subreddits, which is probably way better than forming an intimate bond with an actual human being. I’m 38.
“If anything I pity those poor, shacked-up sods who have to endure the company of someone who understands them on an almost spiritual level day in, day out. It must be a real grind.”
Happily married friend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m not buying it. Whenever he hears someone has partnered up he bunches his fists and pops to the bathroom for a private howl of despair.
“It’s the same thing I do when my husband tells me we’re visiting his f**king family again this weekend.”