Premature baldness, and other features you're secretly delighted your mates have got

IT’S unfortunate when a friend suffers from one of these unattractive characteristics. But it’s also excellent that you look stunning by comparison, so don’t feel too bad.

Beer belly

As your mate’s drinking partner, you’ve contributed to their bearlike figure without bursting out of your own zip. It’s also a tad hypocritical because you share their fondness for a Greggs-based diet but somehow got off more lightly. But you’re not the one who looks like they belong in a string vest eating a huge bowl of crisps off their tummy to illustrate the concept of ‘fat slob’ in an advert, and that makes you incredibly sexy.

Premature baldness

It’s tempting to pity a mate who’s thinning fast, but sometimes you’ve got to look after number one, and their mangy scalp makes you like a hugely virile, successful alpha male, which obviously you’re not. Don’t worry about them managing to hide it – beanie hats have to come off eventually and then it’s time for the comic reveal of them looking like Mr Burns or a 1960s TV alien. It can’t be easy losing your locks, but statistically speaking they’ve made a noble sacrifice so you can have thick(ish) hair and find partners to mate with.

Pasty skin

Having pale, sickly friends means you are basically a bronzed Mediterranean goddess on holiday without even trying. Your jokes about them being vampires are even more hilarious when they’ve got to smother themselves in sun lotion like children. They might discover the solution of fake tan, but that invariably goes wrong on early attempts, so them looking like the Tango Orange Man is another good laugh you’ve got to look forward to.


These are usually an improvement, but too many large, brilliant white teeth and it just calls attention to the yellowed stumps they might be hiding. And there’s the problem of having better teeth but looking like one of the shallow, vacant idiots on a Real Housewives reality TV show. Still, not your problem – maybe your friend should have shown a bit more personal responsibility and not have guzzled all those Tangfastics and fizzy pop when they were five. 


Even with patchy stubble, you look like sex on a stick next to a mate with wispy lip pubes. Everyone knows rugged beards make men and their sperm stronger, so it’s no wonder limp moustache wearers kid themselves they’ll blossom into Jason Momoa. That’s fine for a teenager, but a grown man should know better and make shaving a monotonous daily chore to add to their bodily hair problems.  


With perfect eyesight you don’t need to disfigure yourself with budget frames from Specsavers. Or spend a fortune on designer glasses that merely compensate for your shitty vision until you’ve saved up for laser eye surgery that doesn’t last five minutes, returning your friends to the nerdy goggle-eyed freaks they always were. Sure, you might get some vision problems later in life, but straining to read The Lord of the Rings is a relatively minor problem compared with soon being dead.

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Enforced public nudity and kidnapping your dog: what Keir Starmer's 'change' really means, by the Daily Mail

KEIR Starmer is promising to deliver change without elaborating on the specifics. Here’s what it undoubtedly entails, according to the feverish mind of the Daily Mail.

Enforced public nudity

Britain is a prudish country whose interest in nakedness is limited to ogling celebs in bikinis in our sidebar. Ultra-liberal Keir Starmer’s promise of change will end this proud way of life. If he gets in, public nudity will be enforced like ULEZ, and anyone popping to the shops in even just their socks will be imprisoned. Because of woke.

Kidnapping your dog

Where’s your dog right now? Resting on your sofa or eating from their bowl? Enjoy their company while it lasts. A Labour parliament will send the heavies round to take Fido away just to demonstrate the power of the state. It’s not actually included in their six pledges nobody can remember, but if you read between the lines it’s screamingly obvious that they want to do this.

Meghan crowned Queen

And not just a fake Queen like Camilla, a proper one who has her face on coins and stamps. Do you really want to see that smug, power-hungry jam-peddler on the throne? Of course not. Do the right thing on July 4th and vote for a rational alternative to Labour, like Count Binface. His policy of banning loud snacks in theatres is the change people actually want to see.

The demolition of the Cenotaph

If Starmer gets enough votes, the first thing he’ll do as prime minister is swing a wrecking ball at the Cenotaph and any brave football hooligan protestors trying to stand in his way. It may not seem obvious to ordinary voters like you, but experts like John Curtice know for a fact it’s part of Labour’s election strategy to reduce the Cenotaph to rubble. Sunak, on the other hand, would respectfully make love to it.

Wokeness taught in schools by Gary Lineker

This will be the culmination of Labour’s centrist agenda: progressive education in your child’s school taught by Gary Lineker himself. Wave goodbye to a curriculum of British values that moulds kids into productive little worker bees, and say hello to the heresy of gender identity being pumped into their faces. And you thought Blair’s war crimes were bad. Wait until your child comes home from school looking like Jinkx Monsoon.

Disgusting clean air for everyone

London was just the start. If Starmer gets in then the whole country will become a clean air zone polluted with rancid oxygen free from exhaust fumes. Yes, Starmer hates car owners that much. If you love Britain, do the right thing and vote for Rishi, or if you can’t bring yourself to do that, at least spoil your ballot.