Seven casual shags that still make you wince when you think about them

CASUAL sex is rarely the no-strings, guilt-free fun it’s meant to be. Here are some of the regrettable sexual liaisons you’d happily erase from your memory.

You just didn’t fancy them

The un-PC truth is that the person was not very attractive. The boot’s been on the other foot enough times so it’s okay to say that. The sex was joyous for no one, but if you’ve ever wondered how the uggos on Channel 5 shows called Obese and On Benefits work up the motivation to mechanistically pork each other, your curiosity is sated.

Very pissed one-night stand

The level of pissed that causes complete amnesia about their name the next day. Jim? Steve? Zebedee? So much can go wrong here, and it does: puking up over a sink full of dishes in their flat; incredibly frustrating foreplay with a penis the consistency of blancmange; an atmosphere the next morning slightly more toxic than filling the room with nerve gas. Even amazing sex wouldn’t have been worth it, and yours was crap.

Taking advantage of someone clearly on the rebound

You bastard. You saw an emotionally vulnerable person and, like a cheetah spotting a wounded gazelle, thought ‘Yum!’. You can assuage your guilt by pretending your sexual interest boosted their confidence at a low point in their life, but that’s a pathetic lie.

Actually painful sex

Omitting various perversions, this is often the result of a sexual partner never getting the hang of blowjobs or handjobs. You’re not pumping up a bike tyre, ladies. You tend to be paralysed by politeness in these situations, so you grimly hang on in there until you come and the pain stops (hopefully). Even the uncaring forces of evolution didn’t intend sex to be like this.

One-off cheating

Serial cheating is for scumbags, but temptation occasionally crosses everyone’s path, and wants to have sex in a hotel. While a full-blown affair is hard to hide from your partner, one shag isn’t. But as an amateur adulterer you’ll suffer sickening paranoia that they’ll somehow deduce a six-month-old receipt for two drinks including a red wine when they drink white is incontrovertible evidence of torrid 9½ Weeks-style sex.

You couldn’t show them off to your friends 

You’re no looker yourself, unless you are, in which case well done for the amazing achievement of inheriting DNA. Nonetheless you weren’t keen to show off your squeeze, and met up for sex and that was it, like strangers in a depressing sci-fi movie who need to feel a human touch one last time as the sun implodes. If it wasn’t a looks thing and they were just f**king irritating, you’re morally in the clear because they’ve no one to blame but themselves. 

You knew you shouldn’t have shagged them in the first place

Reasons vary: they’re engaged to your mate; a relationship-dooming age gap; they’re fit but a committed neo-Nazi, etc. Only guilt results, so all you can do is learn from your mistakes. Except you won’t and before you know it you’ll be shagging an emotionally unstable woman at work whose husband used to be in the Paras.

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I Gotta Feeling, and other songs that already sound like they were made by AI

A SONG that used AI to clone the voices of Drake and The Weeknd has been removed from Spotify. But which existing tracks already sound like generic shite made by robots?

I Gotta Feeling, Black Eyed Peas

From the background ‘strings’ to Fergie’s vocoder harmonies, every single element of this song sounds highly synthesised, and not in a good 80s way. The lyrics are so bland it’s like being aurally lobotomised, and it’s impossible to believe Black Eyed Peas or producer David Guetta have experienced any feeling in their lives that wasn’t ‘meh’.

Stand By Me, Oasis

If you fed all of the most plodding, derivative indie songs of the 90s into an AI songwriting machine, it would quickly spew out Stand By Me. It’s Oasis’ most boring song, and that’s saying something: so tedious, dreary and un-rock’n’roll that it’s now the soundtrack for a building society advert.

Happy, Pharrell Williams

‘Because I’m happeeeeeeee’ trills Pharrell over a catchy tune that initially feels like it could lift your spirits. Unfortunately, after approximately 30 seconds you realise it’s a soullessly manufactured happiness that sounds like it was clinically assembled on a production line by robot slaves in a bleak, dystopian future.

How You Remind Me, Nickelback

‘I want a rock song,’ you command the AI, ‘that sounds like every rock song ever written, mushed together and extruded as a musical poo.’ And this is what you get. It could almost be by Nirvana, it could almost be by Metallica, and yet it’s more monotonous and drab than either of those bands could manage even at their worst.

TiK ToK, Ke$ha

Looking for a featherlight piece of nonsense about a Valley Girl getting pissed, all washed over with so much autotune that it may as well be sung by a computer? Have a listen to TiK ToK, if you can get past the inanely ‘different’ stylisation. Despite the theoretically edgy subject matter, it’s utterly sanitised and sounds more like it was written by an algorithm fed with thousands of hours of PG American teen movies, rather than a human.