Seven surprising things you never, ever wanted to know about your parent's sex life

YOU don’t think your parent’s sex life for the sake of your sanity. Here are seven things you never wanted to know about it that might surprise you.

It exists

Strange, but true. After all, your parents are only human and have the natural biological urges that come along with that. This also means your grandparents must have made the beast with two backs on occasion, but you’re not ready to think about that yet.

They did it more than once

You’re alive, which means your parents bumped uglies at least once. And while you’ve convinced yourself it must have been a one and done deal, they’ve actually lost count of how many times they’ve succumbed to their lust. They’re probably doing it right now. Yikes.

They enjoy it

Sex is more than just a means to a reproductive end for your parents. It’s hard to believe, but their bodies feel the same euphoric sensations during intercourse that yours does. They’ve even experimented with different positions and copied things they saw on PornHub, the dirty dogs.

It’s more exciting than yours

Not because it’s especially kinky, even though it is. No, your parent’s sex life is more exciting because it’s built on a loving foundation. Meanwhile yours is built on messaging ‘hey’ to strangers on dating apps and hoping their self esteem is low enough that they’ll respond.

Toys are involved

Your parents have been vigorously going at it for decades, so it should be no surprise that they’ve resorted to toys to keep things exciting. If anything they should be commended for feigning surprise whenever a dildo appears on TV and asking you what it is. They know what they’re doing and they love to see how uncomfortable it makes you.

Sometimes it involves safe words

You know what safe words are and in which context they’re used. So do your parents, and sometimes they put this knowledge into action if they feel like spicing things up or it’s your dad’s birthday. You don’t want to know what their safe word is though, it’ll ruin the name of your childhood teddy bear forever.

Even mum likes it

Dad you can understand, but mum? You thought she was a massive prude who can barely cope with a kiss on Emmerdale. Dad must know what he’s doing down there and has probably honed his skills through hundreds of hours of devoted, strenuous lovemaking. Disgusting.

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How has your lovely day been shat on by others?

WERE you all set to have a lovely day until other human beings came along and bollocksed it up for you? Like these bastards.

Your family

You’d have had a completely zen start to the day if it weren’t for your irritating loved ones. Your partner used the last Nespresso pod, causing an argument that brought up simmering resentments from four years ago, and your kid was sick in their school bag. Then, to top it all, your Mum called. And it’s not even 8am.

Your fellow commuters

How dare other people have the audacity to travel to work at the exact same time as you? And to do it while eating stinking breakfast foods, watching TikToks with no headphones and claiming a whole seat for their bag. You drop a few dick moves yourself in revenge, by standing on the wrong side of the escalator and pushing onto the bus before anyone can get off, which ultimately makes you feel worse.

Your colleagues

Steve wants to give you a scene-by-scene recap of Rings of Power and Barbara’s microwaving smoked mackerel for lunch: would any other members of your team be willing to take a staple-gun to your head and put you out of your misery? If you work from home you’ll get the same shit via Zoom, but at least nobody will be able to fart next to you in the lift.

Strangers in cafes

Some dickwad just snatched the last tuna mayo baguette from under your outstretched hand and now the twat at the front of the queue is holding everyone up asking the difference between a cappuccino and a flat white. You go to KFC instead and seethe inwardly while chewing your way through a disappointing nugget snack box.


Even if you didn’t see a single other person for the whole day, you’d still find a way to f**k it up for yourself. Whether you failed to go to the gym yet again, ate nothing but Monster Munch for breakfast and lunch, or spent the evening stalking your more successful friends on social media, you know plenty of ways to ruin your own day.