We experimented with our economic policy on rats and it went fine, says Kwarteng

KWASI Kwarteng has sought to reassure nervous financial markets by revealing that his controversial mini-budget was tried out on rats in laboratory conditions.

The chancellor said that the experiment was a resounding success, convincing him that it would be perfectly safe to inflict the policy on human beings.

Kwarteng said: “We wouldn’t be idiotic enough to announce something like this without first trying it out on rodents. That would be the height of fiscal irresponsibility.

“We took two samples of rats, one set fat and well-fed, the other skinny and famished. Rather than feed the hungry rats, we gave the fat ones extra food they didn’t need, doubling their portions.

“We thought this would be better for the skinny rats than giving them direct handouts. Sure enough, we were right.

“The fat rats were so bloated and full that they regurgitated the extra food. The famished rats then gratefully ate it, and before long were as well as could be expected on a diet of partially digested seeds and nuts. It’s trickle down economics in action.

“So you see, the problem is not with our policy. It’s with with human beings. They should learn to be more like rats. They’re very intelligent creatures, you know. Probably more intelligent than any of us in government. Impressive, really.”

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Only those who walked six miles to Woolworths for a tape appreciate music, say middle-aged

A TEENAGER who can access a whole brand new album without getting out of bed doesn’t really appreciate music, her parents have confirmed.

Martin and Helen Bishop say their daughter Lucy doesn’t value the songs she listens to because she has made f**k all effort to go out and get them.

Helen Bishop said: “If I wanted the new East 17 album back in 1994, I had to traipse into town to buy it on cassette, parting with a tenner, which was six sodding week’s worth of pocket money.

“I’d excitedly rush miles home again to put the hissy piece of crap in the tape deck and find out if any of the songs aside from the singles were even vaguely listenable. Which they rarely were.

“Lucy, on the other hand, can just scroll through her phone and listen to three seconds of each track before deciding it’s rubbish and moving onto something else. And she doesn’t even pay for it because it’s on the family plan.

“I feel sorry for her because she doesn’t understand the satisfaction that comes from working hard for something. And also because she never got to experience the sheer majesty of a fully-stocked Woolies Pick ‘n’ Mix section.”