Friday, 10th July 2020

Should you get divorced or are you just hungry?

IS your marriage a hopeless, rotting husk that needs to be ended as soon as possible for everyone’s sake, or do you just need a toastie? Find out: 

Why are you still married?

a) The house, the kids, the fear of Tinder rejection

b) I don’t know. Neither of us know. Is it lunch yet?

At what time of day do you most want to leave your partner?

a) Does deep, ongoing loathing have a specific time?

b) Generally at around 11.30am, then again mid-afternoon, then most intensely in the evening before dinner, when you’ve had an insanely long day and the kids are in the bath but there’s still no bloody food ready

Someone looking at your relationship on social media would think:

a) That I was single and thirsty for affection

b) That there aren’t enough photos of meals

When you chat about your day, do you:

a) Wait for a gap in their tedious monologue before jumping in with a competing one laced with hints about how dreadfully inadequate they are as a romantic partner and person

b) Wait for a gap in their tedious monologue before asking if there’s any Monster Munch

On a recent night out, your wedding ring was:

a) Removed beforehand ‘so it didn’t get lost or damaged’ during your ten-hour bender with younger, heartbreakingly attractive work colleagues

b) Left on because the evening began with dinner


Mostly As: Congratulations, you will soon be joining a growing community of divorcees. Don’t forget to lead with this fact when introducing yourself to anyone, even during work events, for the next decade or so.

Mostly Bs: Your marriage has no problems that can’t be fixed by snacking.