Should you get divorced or are you just hungry?

IS your marriage a hopeless, rotting husk that needs to be ended as soon as possible for everyone’s sake, or do you just need a toastie? Find out: 

Why are you still married?

a) The house, the kids, the fear of Tinder rejection

b) I don’t know. Neither of us know. Is it lunch yet?

At what time of day do you most want to leave your partner?

a) Does deep, ongoing loathing have a specific time?

b) Generally at around 11.30am, then again mid-afternoon, then most intensely in the evening before dinner, when you’ve had an insanely long day and the kids are in the bath but there’s still no bloody food ready

Someone looking at your relationship on social media would think:

a) That I was single and thirsty for affection

b) That there aren’t enough photos of meals

When you chat about your day, do you:

a) Wait for a gap in their tedious monologue before jumping in with a competing one laced with hints about how dreadfully inadequate they are as a romantic partner and person

b) Wait for a gap in their tedious monologue before asking if there’s any Monster Munch

On a recent night out, your wedding ring was:

a) Removed beforehand ‘so it didn’t get lost or damaged’ during your ten-hour bender with younger, heartbreakingly attractive work colleagues

b) Left on because the evening began with dinner


Mostly As: Congratulations, you will soon be joining a growing community of divorcees. Don’t forget to lead with this fact when introducing yourself to anyone, even during work events, for the next decade or so.

Mostly Bs: Your marriage has no problems that can’t be fixed by snacking.

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Brexiter claims to remember fighting World War Two inside grandfather's left testicle

A 49-YEAR-OLD Brexiter has justified saying ‘we’ won World War Two by claiming he remembers the fighting from inside his grandfather’s left boll*ck. 

Norman Steele says his vivid memories of street-by-street fighting through French towns, even encased in a scrotum as he was, mean that his constant references to an 80-year-old war bearing no relation to the current crisis cannot be challenged.

He continued: “I didn’t spend five hard years fighting a war inside my granddad’s ball sack to get pushed around by Angela Merkel.

“We were a band of brothers in there, you know. We were part of ‘the few’, even though there were eight billion of us swimming around.

“Dunkirk, North Africa, the long, slow slog of the Italian campaign… I lost some great comrades to wet dreams and hand shandies, and it’s vital that their sacrifices aren’t forgotten due to the UK’s surrender to the EU dictatorship.

“Hard to believe? Perhaps. But I’m so desperate for a bit of excitement in my bland, economically secure existence that I’ll claim anything at this point.

“Could I have been an ova? Don’t be stupid. Do I look like a woman?”