Five mysteries Coleen Rooney could solve the f**k out of

LEADING WAG detective Coleen Rooney has already unmasked Rebekah Vardy as pure evil, but what other historical mysteries could she solve? 

The Kennedy assassination

Everyone knows Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy, but what shadowy forces were behind him? Using her key investigative tool, Instagram, Coleen calculates bullet angles, matches faces in the crowd, and pins the blame on rogue elements within the CIA working under the direction of…… Rebekah Vardy.

The disappearance of Amelia Earhart

The celebrated aviatrix vanished in 1937, midway through a round-the-world flight. Tracing radio signals and finding new eyewitnesses, Coleen will conclude the flight was deliberately led off-course to get rid of a possible rival for gossip magazine deals in the 00s. The guilty party…… Rebekah Vardy.

The identity of Jack the Ripper

The killer of six women in London’s East End in the autumn of 1888, the name of the killer has never been discovered. Coleen delves into police records, picks up clues left by artist Walter Sickert, and eliminates all suspects to reveal the killer was a woman, crazed with jealousy and desperate for press. Her name…… Rebekah Vardy.

The Roanoke colony

The first permanent English settlement in North America vanished without trace in 1590, leaving only the single word ‘CROATOAN’ carved into a tree. After consulting with experts in the Secotan language of the native Americans, Coleen makes the chilling discovery that ‘croatoan’ directly translates as…… Rebekah Vardy.

The extinction of the dinosaurs

66 million years ago, a mass extinction killed three-quarters of the species on Earth. Scientists have blamed a meteor strike, but Coleen discovers fossil records proving that a one-way timegate was used to dump incriminating evidence from 2019, carrying deadly pathogens. The culprit…… some bird Wayne’s been shagging but I found his phone, didn’t I? So back the f**k off bitch.

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Militant vegans dispersed with gentle gust of air

MILITANT vegans blockading the meat aisles of a supermarket have been scattered by a delicate but deliberate draught of air. 

Protest group Animal Rebellion, who demand the UK adopt a plant-based diet, had linked arms but were so explosively scattered by the gentle zephyr some ended up more than half a mile away.

Security manager Stephen Malley said: “They were seriously angry. But, I noticed when they swayed in the slipstream as an elderly lady walked past, they were also seriously light.

“So I simply grabbed the cardboard from an in-store display and wafted it up and down. And with that they flew off like the seeds on a dandelion clock.

“The protest’s over now, apart from the one girl who’s still up on the ceiling. Someone’s gone to get a stepladder to fetch her down.”

He added: “They’ve threatened to come back each with a handful of raisins in their pockets to weigh them down. But I’m not worried. I’ve got a desk fan.”